Momentum won’t happen if you don’t pedal!

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar-

Time to get in the shower people! I thought about that simple concept today after exercising and of course going from presentable to downright grungy in under a half hour. Luckily change can be constant if you work at perpetuating healthy habits and cycles, but you Have to do it daily!
Use it or lose it they say- and when it comes to anything important to you whether it’s keeping up a desired goal weight, having healthy relationships, and the above quote reference that even our basic hygiene needs maintenance. Our cars need routine maintenance don’t they? How much more so do our bodies and minds need a check up then since after all we cannot trade in for a newer model if we break down. No warranties. No guarantees. We shouldn’t expect any given rights in this mad world we live in today.

Daily affirmations work because negative connotations can become predicated in us so easily. In the dictionary the word predicate is defined as: Logic. That which is affirmed or denied concerning the subject of a proposition. So are we going to affirm logic that is beneficial or deny ourselves the daily joys that life has to offer…? 

I‘ve always been a #quoteJunkie keeping positive mantra magnets all over my refrigerator, wearing jewelry with inspirational words inscribed on them, and even taping up photos on my bathroom mirror so that way every time I pass by I see fond memories and moments of confidence from my life.
And you know what? Little things like this really help me keep a better outlook and serve it’s purpose as a reality check!

It can be so easy to forget and let necessary things fall by the wayside when life’s pressures start to squeeze. That’s when constant reminders such as a seemingly simple quote can easily flip a switch like cartoon characters that get an idea and a light bulb flashes up over their heads. Simplistic methods such as these can serve as powerful reminders in order to press the refresh button in our minds browser. Even Google Chrome needs a re-boot every now and then! Only You can choose which programming option to use- So choose wisely!

 

My Son~ My Sunshine

I never could have imagined how motherhood would change my life completely…. Never.
I was petrified every day scared out of my mind as having a high risk pregnancy I could have lost my sweet boy Lincoln at any time due to SUA and an umbilical cord insertion issue. After 30 weeks of gestation I had to drive 1 hour round trip twice a week to the hospital for monitoring and testing while working a full-time stressful job being a certified pharmacy technician. Always by myself to each and every appointment as I had a very unsupportive/abusive ex…. in fact the first time he hit me was when I was pregnant.

But on May 14th 2008 at 1:45 in the morning my Angel was brought into the world. I will Never forget every single ounce of pain from natural childbirth but also how it immediately vanished the moment they laid him on my bare chest. I kept saying “Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod!”~
Tears flooded down my face and that instant overpowering love was truly the most momentous occasion in my entire life. The astounding immense love I felt for him border-lined on post partum psychosis as I was up every 2 hours breastfeeding him but in-between those hours instead of sleeping I found myself constantly checking on him, putting my hand on his belly to make sure it was still rising, and carefully having a finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing. Phew talk about temporary insanity!

I wouldn’t change the grey hairs I immediately started growing within a months time of becoming a mother. I wouldn’t change the stretch marks and tarnished stomach because without those “mama war wounds” then I wouldn’t have the unbelievable love and shining light that he glows every day!

Some days are harder than others to maintain all the positive energy that I aspire to keep in our lives. It is an uphill battle to put the so-called “oxygen mask on yourself first” when ALL you want to do is use every ounce of strength for your child (especially since my son is fairly non verbal ASD, so I HAVE to be his voice)! People have asked me if I could go back in time and not have had this pregnancy would I…? To them I try to refrain from shouting HELL NO! Unless you have experienced the joys/struggles of being a special needs parents then you truly do not understand, and that lacking perspective can only be gained upon obtaining awareness from learning information and showing kindness!

This month of #AutismAwarenes I refuse to keep my mouth shut!
I will continue to speak words from my mind, heart, and complete soul up until the day I no longer walk this earth.

Let it be…

Sentimentality…. Oh what a double edged sword you are. On the one hand taking a stroll down memory lane promotes smiles, belly laughs, and a sense of joy from familiar memories. However the flip side of that coin is seeing pictures of yourself remembering how you were faking that smile and vividly can see the pain in your eyes. Or seeing photographs where a series of events play out that led to an eventual disastrous course- the look of joy and happiness in your eyes was real; yet it was soon to be replaced with sorrow.

Friends lost and gained…
Lovers lost and gained…
Jobs, aspirations, marriages, pregnancies, and *fill in the blank of something meaningful to you*
Lost and possibly never regained…

It is all there on your Facebook for a nice emotionally cutting experience.
Why do I/we do it? I know that I have always been the nostalgic scrap-booking kind of gal who enjoys remembering days and evenings that burst and overflowed with laughter and adventures. Even when I was younger I would keep every little momento- down to my first reciprocated loves guitar pic he had flung at me during a “jam session”. The bad times of getting over him passed by long ago, and we actually maintained a friendship that when we talk we end up being on the phone 3-4 hours. Then there’s all my Italy photographs I am able to look at now and only see the beauty (not all the near death stuff) instead of being too afraid scared that all the traumatic scars will reopen.
I am still actively working on getting the pain from my ex-husbands abuse gone (including cheating on me with the teenage girl he recently married) after realizing recently that I am not 100% over it all. These instances however of having my home and body robbed are something that I just currently have no hope of ever being capable of letting go. The pain intensifies and resurfaces frequently and just trying to shove it down and ignore is like putting a band-aid on a bullet-hole wound.

Let it go… those words roll off the tongue so easily from someone who either has no capacity to emphasize or has no one to relate the situation to personally. I would not/could not ever wish this pain upon anyone else- I just wish there was more compassion and less judgement especially when ignorance is the only foundation for no awareness.

I am not afraid to speak now….

the daily struggles of a single mom with a special needs child

I love my son more than life itself despite the setbacks of having him not be able to communicate with me (which of course sometimes absolutely breaks my heart to shreds). Today however was rough. I try to not be bitter; However my lovely Ex-husband and father of my child is currently trying to reduce his child support payments knowing darn well that the 6 & 1/2 days a week I have him make it virtually impossible for me to work given Lincoln’s therapies, constant sicknesses, and the fact that I would need an impossible dream-like set schedule of when he is at school. Not taking into account the summer/winter breaks, the professional days (which he does not ever help out with), and the Incredible amount of sick days he misses school since his often stomach sicknesses made me decide to take him to the best gastrointestinal specialist in the area at All Children’s Hospital. So add in allergists, feeding therapists, and nutritionists (did I mention all by my myself again?), and basic speech, ABA, and occupational therapy I am basically up not just an unfair creek without a paddle but actually a winding river of rapids trying desperately to navigate myself with all the choices, incredible amount of paperwork, research, and etcetera that comes with the territory.

Sometimes I get quite resentful that he has his day & 1/2 of time when they just play and have fun, But then mommy has to be the mean one taking him for skin and blood tests, tons of evaluations to get him into new therapies, and other implementations from the therapies I have learned. Insurance companies don’t want to pay for these in case you weren’t aware. So it is a constant battle of phone calls, paperwork, faxes from specialists, and constant headaches basically trying the absolute best for your child who does not have his own voice but sadly also not another voice from his family. I’m not going to sugarcoat this- it’s disheartening, and some days I feel like throwing my hands into the air and saying “Forget it- he will just continue to exhibit behaviors of a 2-3 year old yet he is 6 & 1/2”.

My normally positive posts are not so glowing tonight instead there is a haze of sadness and hopelessness.

I know there are resources out there (Especially for single moms) but I have no clue where to look or where to begin. Anyone reading this in the Florida area please leave a comment to give me any advice since I fear I am fast approaching the end of my rope.

Yet I have to hang on as there is NO other option for my sweet boy.

Autism- the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It has been a particularly stressful week being an autism single mom…

Today I’m going to drop the semi facade of the whole “blessing in disguise” business. Yes- that is true SO much of the time. But other times I bawl my eyes out in the shower and scream into a pillow if deemed necessary. Everything I have done on my own with no help whatsoever can be so overwhelming that the weight nearly cripples you. From getting him diagnosed around 18 months of age, early intervention therapies @2, getting him into the best researched school @3, and the countless IEP meetings, mountains upon mountains of paperwork, therapy appointments, specialist appointments, research to seek out other alternative therapies (which of course involves me fighting with the insurance companies trying for them to pay the normal co-pays instead of the through the roof deductible I could never meet), and again with virtually no support…. It’s backbreaking on my own sometimes.

I see families of autistic children that at least have each other to lean upon whereas I do not. His father sees him once a week on Sunday (so no Dr’s or therapy appointments there) and both of our families rarely see him. Just to be asked if there was Anything they could do to help would mean the world to me, but instead anytime I ever have asked for help I get excuses and BS about their lives. Sure of course no one’s life is easy by any means but for Christ’s sake this is A LOT to deal with! Even if they aren’t willing to help with some of the nitty gritty they could at least offer a shoulder to cry on when I fall to pieces occasionally.

Yes you are not supposed to play the comparison game, but it’s hard not to sometimes when it virtually is thrown in your face seeing children 1/3 of your child’s age posting “I’m getting my son into little league and soccer teams finally!!” Or “My daughter just got accepted into the Gifted program and an advanced coveted dance school!!” And I’m over here like “I’m trying to get my son to stop using the floor as his bathroom!?”…..
It sometimes just feels cruel and utterly disheartening. I know the parents intentions are not to maliciously brag about their child’s accomplishments- they are just proud and have every right to be. However I also know that they don’t realize how hurtful it can be to see the advancement of kids the same age or much younger getting to do all the things I wished so much my sweet son would be able to do by now. It can be heart-annihilating. At some point all special needs parents whether we would like to admit it or not went through, or are going through, a grieving process. Grieving the loss of what we thought we would have raising an average or “normal” (I abhor using that word) child progressing and excelling throughout life instead of the many despondent roadblocks. To honest I went through that mourning period of what was “supposed” to be. All the dreams and aspirations I had for him I have no absolute way of knowing if they will ever come true.

 I Do with all my heart believe in time he will shine and find his true niche in this world. Until then I will stop at nothing to help him be the best Lincoln he can be. It’s not about “fixing” him- it is about helping him take strides to rise above and put the ability in disability. Thankfully some of the battles have eradicated themselves becoming just a past memories of this journey leading to our final destination. Like the quote by Lyndon B. Johnson: “Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.”  Life as we know it today may be unrecognizable this time next year. I pray with all my heart to a God I am unsure if I still believe in that this will be the case for Lincoln and I. Every single stride he takes forward is a step towards a brighter future.

Despite these troublesome days where I think I may just lose my mind- I always remember the famous quote: “Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.” ~Ann Landers

Never, Never lose hope! I remind myself of this constantly. Also that perhaps I could be inspiring someone right now with my truthful words helping them realize they too can persevere through an exasperating time. The best part though is that I can say with 100% honesty that I feel lucky how Every single new thing my son does my heart absolutely overflows with elation! And that is something that parents of “normal” children I dare say do not notice, and at least definitely do not appreciate to the extent we as special needs parents do. We break down in happy tears of genuinely euphoric measures.

That is truly priceless beyond what any words could ever express.

Happy (Divorce) Anniversary to me!

Yesterday would have been my 8th wedding anniversary….

In the past I have dreaded this day and would feel ill just thinking about it’s upcoming presence. As much as I have distanced myself emotionally unfortunately those demons of past pain would come back to haunt me annually. I would think about how I knew that day I didn’t want to marry him, but I still put on a fake smile and played the part of the glowing bride. I remember distinctly how people thought I was crying during my vows but actually I was shaking saying the words that I knew were not true in my heart.

It was a beautiful day filled with the brightest blue sky and an invigorating slight chill to the air with the upcoming season change. I had fallen in love with the Ringling museum grounds when I was a preteen so I always knew if I were to be married in Florida that it would be there. After the ceremony having pictures taken of me on the supposedly happiest day of my life was definitely a memory I’ll never forget. Standing in front of the Ca’ d’Zan doing family photos my father in law hugged me and said “Well you just made the most important decision for the rest of your life”- I wanted to puke. The reality set in. The rest of my life?! Oh God what had I done….

Being a photographer I had taken the cherished photos and of course created a scrapbook to commemorate that day. Packing that in a box when I left him was a formidable torturous task to say the least. I have only looked at it twice since then (I decided to keep it so that one day our son can look at it and know that Mommy and Daddy did love each other at one time) but every time I would a wave of deep crushing sadness hit me. Why did this all have to happen?
Oh right because he hit me. Several times. The first time when I was pregnant. However his only confession is to punching me once on my leg and claiming it didn’t count since he didn’t hit my face…

Originally I felt I had no choice other than to marry him and I now had no other choice than to divorce him. I lived in-between a rock and a hard place far too long. So yes instead of it being 8 years married it’ll be 3 years divorced for me (Does Hallmark make a card for that anniversary yet?)- Mazel Tov!!

Thankfully I turned yesterday into an amazing day where I selected my new college to transfer into and was so excited I barely thought about the ex anniversary. Going to college is HUGE for me as every single A+ I get dispels a little more of the phrase that he loved to use about how “useless and stupid“ I am with my “4th grade education” ( I graduated via home-school @15).
I realize of course that I allowed and gave him the ability to make that false statement true to me. I agreed with him and thus these feelings that I was not and never would be good enough became part of my psyche.

Retrospect is such a priceless tool. You have to go through pain in order to find it but once found it is an incomparable, invaluable, and treasured source of strength. I cannot wait for the day after I earn my degrees that I can work with abused women and show them that they too can dig deep into their souls and reclaim everything that was taken. Sharing my story helps me heal a little bit more every time and helps me retain self-respect, self-love, self-worth, dignity, and confidence. Anything else on this earth is not as valuable!

Expectations Schmexpectations

Today I got to thinking about the nature of expectations. We try to send out as much love, respect, care, peace, and honesty into the world- However more often than not disappointment sets in and it stings like salt to an open wound. Perhaps our bar was simply raised too high in our minds and hearts. Perhaps we were told things that filled our heads with dreams of the future only to find out later they were a fallacy. A person’s intention is not always to receive and then in return give back all we have given out. This is something I have endeavored to learn but have not mastered.

* A moment of TMI *

I married my first sexual partner at 22 years of age, so when I left him I experienced what most people get out of their systems in college- “playing the field” so to speak ( I was 27 years old at this time). Since I had only been with one man I never had known how badly it can wound you when the most intimate part of yourself is shared with someone only to later find out their intentions were only to “get some”.

I came to the conclusion after a severely bad breakup recently when I had finally felt that I found a real, honest, caring man. So I fell for him instantly. I was NEVER going to be just another notch on some jerks bedpost. No! I realized that I was worth much more and respected myself much more than that! So after things fell apart I took a very long hiatus of celibacy ( no need to disclose how long But mannnnyyyy months ). While I felt the pain of loneliness since I wasn’t feeling the pleasure of physical contact I became even stronger in my resolve to truly love myself again. Thankfully in these months I have flourished with my goals for my son and his therapies, for me resuming college, and my health. The Mind/Body Connection is no joke. I had been ignoring myself and my passions in order to spend time with my previous love ( realizing now there were many things we didn’t have in common that could have become a real problem if either party was not willing to take an interest in each others interests ) and neglected myself I realize now in retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.

Seeking out love never seems to work. It is just supposed to happen when you least expect it so they say. Yet I had focused so much mental capacity in trying to find someone to potentially have a future with. I reopened my online dating site after my Heart-annihilating breakup ( Yes I make up my own vocabulary sometimes ) and proceeded to connect with a few men; however I didn’t feel the spark. Now don’t get me wrong ( especially if they read this post ) I wanted So badly to make that spark truly happen… They were sweet, we clicked, and I had so many good times. However the feelings I had for them I realized were only a friendship connection not a romantic one. I tried so hard to make myself feel that way but unfortunately you cannot choose who you fall in love with. Someone can be absolutely perfect on paper, outwardly, and inwardly- but that doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. Those utterly amazing butterflies in your stomach are needed. In this past month I have done quite a lot of reflection and truly feel awful for leading these men on since they were such good people. I was too scared to tell them I had realized what I felt, and that what I wanted was only a relationship as friends.

——

*Back on topic*

My expectations were always high…. I crave romance- not just lust or lukewarm love. I want fireworks. Sparks that fly. I want to bond over similar interests, try a plethora of new things together, see the world, and take a million joyous photographs together.

I have coined an epiphany phrase: Communication, Compromise, and Chemistry -The Trifecta of a lasting partnership. I’ve never truly felt all three in any previous relationship. Those darn endorphin/serotonin rushes blocked the red flags since I fall head over feet so quickly. I don’t exactly believe in love at first sight, but I believe in intuition at first sight when you have a date whether it is the first, second, or third that you can indeed start falling in love. I know at the two week mark. To my detriment however since people can conceal their true self ( I did divorce someone who flipped an abusive switch the moment we got back from our honeymoon ) and once I fall in love I am in love. Unshakable, Insatiable, Overpowering love. I swallow a lump *Welp* and say to myself “Uh-oh what have you done setting yourself up to be crushed?! “- since once I have fallen I cannot get back up from my emotional, caring, and loyal nature.

Self-preservation has got to be prevalent and foremost in order to protect ones mind and heart. You Have to take care of You and then the people you love. Especially when it comes to that one special person you have become so vulnerable with bearing your soul to. Being guarded is not what I am proposing but being Aware is. This is the only true way you can properly take care of yourself and be able to take care of others fully without comprising your well-being.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first~