Wash it Away

I’ve heard the quote: “Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.” -And that definitely is one cold hard fact.

Why does it hurt to care so much? I try to not have expectations, but it is So hard at times to not let that glimmer of hope shine in your head. Unfortunately then you can set yourself up for that Dreadful world of Disappointment. I truly hate to sound negative ever, but I made a stupid mistake allowing myself to be let down when my goal of fund-raising was not met ($500) for the walk I organized for #AutismSpeaks in my son Lincoln’s name.

My own family didn’t even show up- only 5 people did.

 I would be there in a heartbeat for anyone/anything. You name it. I’m there- unless there is a really good reason I couldn’t like sickness for example. I go to their kids birthday parties, their charity walks, birthdays, or anniversary celebrations. I donate every time when asked at the checkout market even if the charity is Special needs, and I obviously have a Special needs child myself for goodness sake! Cry me a river you are probably thinking right now reading this, but my point was that I must ask this question: How can there not be hurt caused by the lack of care from close friends and family? Many said they would show support by being there or at least donating yet only a couple actually did.

The subject of #autismAwareness is something that I am SO passionate about, so anyone who knows me in the slightest bit knows how my heart is completely attached because of my sweet son.  I truly appreciated all the love that was shown and of course would not have canceled it even if it were just Lincoln and I that showed up. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t send pangs of sadness deep in my belly. For me in my little silly world it felt like a crushing blow. The goal was short by $45, and I cannot kick in anymore so it will end within the month uncompleted when in all actuality it was just unsupported.

My posts are always wrapped up with bows made from silver lined sentiments, but I am having trouble fastening one on tonight.
Spewing out my thoughts helped immensely since I obviously will not feel this way long, but it might finally teach me a lesson the aforementioned quote touched on that:
|People are not going to care the way you care| No one will ever necessarily think the way you think| If you or your family are not personally affected then importance is not placed|

I guess that is just being a “realist” about things instead of my usual off-beat illogically feeling line of thinking. There is no point in holding on to any of this though as it serves no purpose for truly bettering oneself.

Like how one of my all time favorite quote says:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

~Buddha

 I don’t enjoy being burned and I would assume it is safe to say that many of you do not as well.

So throw water over that fire, and after putting it out Completely walk away….

Leave the rest and only take the best onto the next endeavor.

 

Love/Devotion personified

Can you imagine if the love of your life could not express what he was feeling? No matter how desperately you tried if he is injured, sick, or in pain he would still be unable to communicate that to you…

Welcome to my life being an Autism single Mama!

Well let me tell you that it is one of the most helpless feelings in the entire universe. Being his Mama, protector, advocate, and vigilante if needed can sometimes be a heavy load when you are carrying it alone. For instance recently I took my son to have a gastrointestinal surgery (studies are showing there seems to be an alarmingly high correlation of ASD and GI issues) with no one else there for moral support.
Having to be the fifth person holding him down while anesthesia was being administered I stroked his face while he was screaming and kept saying repeatedly while choking through tears myself that “Everything is going to be ok”, but I wondered is it going to be?
Watching his body go limp then traumatically see him fall as if he died in my arms shattered me to the very core of my being. Instantly the nurses whisked me away as I sat alone in the waiting room sobbing hysterically. It is still so vivid in my mind it brings tears to my eyes now just writing this….

These are some of the things that parents of special needs children do NOT want to talk about. Maybe by choosing to ignore and not acknowledge reality seems easier. Hiding behind a facade instead of facing the insurmountable fears.

SO here is some cut to the core brutal fearless honesty:

• We worry that their social skills may not eventually improve enough for them to have real friendships with other children and adults.
• We are petrified that upon becoming adults themselves they will still need full-time care, and then we may have to face the atrociously difficult decision of potentially putting them into an adult group home.
•  We sometimes fear what our children’s futures will be like, and worry whether or not other complications will arise.
•  The thought of still changing diapers as a teenager can easily throw a harrowing wrench into the everyday optimism that is vitally crucial to maintain homeostasis.
•  We are sometimes afraid that the many things we dreamed of and still dream for our children they may never get to experience; i.e. participating in a sports team, successful careers, getting married, having children of their own, and depending where they are on the spectrum basic things like carrying on a conversation with eye contact is not necessarily going to be reality. 

I will openly (and quite rawly) admit that I have cried into a pillow disheartened when I got negative reports from his therapists and teachers at school that tested his communicative skills to be on a 2-3 year old level (when he is turning 8 soon). 

Having full meaningful conversations where you are able to hear your child’s actual thoughts is such a gift I think many parents do not even realize they have.

During the day I imagine and even in my subconscious mind’s eye nightly dream about the day when a simple question of “How are you?” will be answered. I want so badly for him to have everything possible to continue bolstering the growth and advancement of his already extraordinary life. My son is my entire soul, heart, and life. There should not just be one month to promote #autismawareness since the rates just continue soaring and there are still NO definitive answers as to why. Many theories exist but there is no proven explanation yet. This needs to change. Now don’t get me wrong- the seemingly cliche’ statement of “I wouldn’t change him for the world” is my wholehearted sentiment without a shred of doubt. He has taught me so many invaluable lessons about life, sacrifice, and an unbelievable perspective of true love and living. Without him I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. That is priceless. Beyond words.

So thank you my sweet boy Lincoln… I could never imagine life without you and pray to God that I never have to.

 

Autism Irony

Many times I hear such amazingly sweet and meaningful words that touch me  to my core and deservedly a beaming smile flashes in my eyes and across my face. Truthfully though I find this rather difficult quite often, so instead I tend to half smile hiding tears that start to well up in my tear ducts. The kindness is shrugged off instead of reflectively and rightfully having it be sunken into my heart.
Why…? Well unfortunately I suffer from these agonizing feelings that I should be doing MORE! MORE! MORE!

No matter how many Doctor’s and Specialist appointments, IEP meetings with his teachers and therapists, ongoing new treatments, current evaluations, new behavior analyst tests, and then of course painstakingly long and semi difficult research I do desperately in the hopes of finding any ways I can to help improve the sweet love of my life- I still always feel like my best just isn’t nearly anywhere good enough….
Many times though I hear some phrases that do not get anywhere remotely close to my heart strings, in fact can inadvertently be semi hurtful….
Such as:

1. “HOW do you do it?! I could never!”
2. “He is still in diapers at almost 7? My son potty trained at 2- Have you tried giving him M&M’s?”
3. “God only gives special needs children to people who are strong enough”

So to answer those questions….

1. How do I do it? Well what other choice do I have? I certainly cannot push him back up the birth canal! Those episiotomy scars long healed- Thank you very much! And trust me natural child birth was plenty of enough trauma there!
2. Yes he is 7 years old and refusing to potty train… M&M’s you say? OHMYGOODNESS I had never heard of such a brilliant idea!? Bribing my son with sugar in the hopes of compliance for him to “normally” have a bodily function? Well someone alert the media there is a new groundbreaking ideological theory!
3. God “chose” me to have a son with a severe neurological condition to prove how strong I am? *Not to get into a religious debate as I know my Bible cover to cover*-But what am I his servant Job being tested to the max? I’m sorry but why on earth would a loving God want to single me out to face obstacles that bring me to my knees constantly and make me feel like I’m drowning in a puddle of my own tears?

Before you chastise my answers that may seem to have negative undertones I just strongly encourage everyone no matter their circumstance may be to just drop the mask every now and again and let yourself free from the self judgement you impose on yourself and the fear of being judged by others. Open up, Clear out, and Vent!
Try it!! It’s refreshingly therapeutic and even funny to read back over your tiny rant and giggle knowing that it’s not actually how you truly feel! Just sometimes your back breaks a bit, the walls start to cave in, and suddenly you find yourself wanting to meltdown on the ground like your little guy or gal on the autism spectrum.

And you know what I’ve realized….? IT’S OK…!
Even Mother Teresa probably had bad days too where I’m sure she might have rolled her eyes at certain people’s comments!

Let it Out and Let it GO! Otherwise you’ll just be a ticking time bomb awaiting either a padded room or a jail cell. 

Yay it is finally Autism Awareness month!!

Oh how I wish everyone shared my immeasurably boundless passion to spread awareness and funding! I am writing this post now in an effort to reach out to whoever in this great big wonderful universe who might want to band together to see the soaring rates of autism decrease.

Did you know …

• Autism now affects 1 in 68 children and 1 in 42 boys
• Autism prevalence figures are growing
• Autism is the fastest-growing developmental disorder in the U.S.
• Autism costs a family $60,000 a year on average
• Boys are nearly five times more likely than girls to have autism
• There is no medical detection or cure for autism

National Institutes of Health Funds Allocation

• Total 2012 NIH budget: $30.86 billion
• Of this, only $169 million goes directly to autism research. This represents 0.55% of total NIH funding.

• More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes & cancer combined.
  (https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/facts-about-autism)
  Close to 50% of the money raised for Autism Speaks comes from the Walk Now for Autism Speaks events. Walk events not only generate vital funds for autism research, but also raises crucial awareness about autism on the local level.

  If at all possible please join my team “Walking for Lincoln” even if you cannot walk as the event is this Saturday April 11th in St. Petersburg Florida. You can still make a donation that will directly go towards the incredibly needed funding for research and the services they graciously provide for families in need.
  http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/tampa/walkingforlincoln

  My son does not have a voice to advocate for his disability so I am his voice- and I will not stop trying my best every single day to help him be the very best possible Lincoln he can be. I am also making neat crafts to sell and either list on Ebay or Etsy and then donate the proceeds to Autism Speaks (https://instagram.com/p/09LK9YxW0S/). If you are interested please comment below and thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this~ Much love from Arielle & Lincoln

  Every little bit of Awareness matters!

  

  The Love of my Life

My Son~ My Sunshine

I never could have imagined how motherhood would change my life completely…. Never.
I was petrified every day scared out of my mind as having a high risk pregnancy I could have lost my sweet boy Lincoln at any time due to SUA and an umbilical cord insertion issue. After 30 weeks of gestation I had to drive 1 hour round trip twice a week to the hospital for monitoring and testing while working a full-time stressful job being a certified pharmacy technician. Always by myself to each and every appointment as I had a very unsupportive/abusive ex…. in fact the first time he hit me was when I was pregnant.

But on May 14th 2008 at 1:45 in the morning my Angel was brought into the world. I will Never forget every single ounce of pain from natural childbirth but also how it immediately vanished the moment they laid him on my bare chest. I kept saying “Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod!”~
Tears flooded down my face and that instant overpowering love was truly the most momentous occasion in my entire life. The astounding immense love I felt for him border-lined on post partum psychosis as I was up every 2 hours breastfeeding him but in-between those hours instead of sleeping I found myself constantly checking on him, putting my hand on his belly to make sure it was still rising, and carefully having a finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing. Phew talk about temporary insanity!

I wouldn’t change the grey hairs I immediately started growing within a months time of becoming a mother. I wouldn’t change the stretch marks and tarnished stomach because without those “mama war wounds” then I wouldn’t have the unbelievable love and shining light that he glows every day!

Some days are harder than others to maintain all the positive energy that I aspire to keep in our lives. It is an uphill battle to put the so-called “oxygen mask on yourself first” when ALL you want to do is use every ounce of strength for your child (especially since my son is fairly non verbal ASD, so I HAVE to be his voice)! People have asked me if I could go back in time and not have had this pregnancy would I…? To them I try to refrain from shouting HELL NO! Unless you have experienced the joys/struggles of being a special needs parents then you truly do not understand, and that lacking perspective can only be gained upon obtaining awareness from learning information and showing kindness!

This month of #AutismAwarenes I refuse to keep my mouth shut!
I will continue to speak words from my mind, heart, and complete soul up until the day I no longer walk this earth.

Autism Moms are Tough as Nails

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well I feel like I could bench press a semi truck!
The gravity of all the responsibility, care, and understanding that being a special needs parent entails is something you don’t realize you are handling so well at the time (I am always thinking there is something else I could be doing better for my sweet boy), but once you step back an Ah-ha moment of how rewarding it can be suddenly appears if you are lucky enough to catch that awareness.

I had the last 3 days off from my special needs single mama duty and something hit me like a ton of bricks- in an eye-opening enlightened way.
I finally get why people tell me such heartfelt things about how they can see the love, care, and patience I have for Lincoln with every photo or status I post. The best compliment I could ever receive in my life truly!
If your child is fairly non-verbal (like my sweet boy) then an inner private detective has to come out every time they are sick since they cannot tell you what is wrong. Imagine for a moment that you almost have to be like a veterinarian in a way since you have to sense what they are feeling without words and take care accordingly for their well-being.

Challenging? Yes. Rewarding? Yes. Indescribably so.

I sometimes see parents when I am out in public tell their kids to shutup-
It angers and saddens me beyond belief I must admit. Usually I just offer a consolatory smile to hopefully diffuse the situation a little bit however sometimes I feel the need to share a sincere dose of perspective…
Generally something to the affect of:

“You don’t know how lucky you are to hear your child’s thoughts- I would give the world to hear my sons thoughts!”

-This usually stops them dead in their tracks and makes them realize that instead of silencing their child(ren) they should enjoy the gift they do not even know they have. It is not meant to be condescending in any way shape or form- just a small reality check. A little awareness goes a LONG way. For anyone who either has autism, daily navigates the tricky road of autism parenting, and also for “regular” children and parents (I abhor using the word normal) as well. Appreciate what you have however you have it. Children are a blessing beyond what words can ever describe in a limitless amount of ways…

They say you don’t know true love until you have a child and I couldn’t agree more. It truly is a momentous occasion to forever have your heart walk around outside of you on this earth, and it is your given right thereafter to embrace that love with your whole heart chock full of gratitude. I believe with my entire soul that if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow I would die content knowing that I gave my all to him.
Is there anything more you could ask for in this world…?

The day he realized he wasn’t scared of bubbles anymore at a therapy appointment. Bliss.

My love. My everything.

the daily struggles of a single mom with a special needs child

I love my son more than life itself despite the setbacks of having him not be able to communicate with me (which of course sometimes absolutely breaks my heart to shreds). Today however was rough. I try to not be bitter; However my lovely Ex-husband and father of my child is currently trying to reduce his child support payments knowing darn well that the 6 & 1/2 days a week I have him make it virtually impossible for me to work given Lincoln’s therapies, constant sicknesses, and the fact that I would need an impossible dream-like set schedule of when he is at school. Not taking into account the summer/winter breaks, the professional days (which he does not ever help out with), and the Incredible amount of sick days he misses school since his often stomach sicknesses made me decide to take him to the best gastrointestinal specialist in the area at All Children’s Hospital. So add in allergists, feeding therapists, and nutritionists (did I mention all by my myself again?), and basic speech, ABA, and occupational therapy I am basically up not just an unfair creek without a paddle but actually a winding river of rapids trying desperately to navigate myself with all the choices, incredible amount of paperwork, research, and etcetera that comes with the territory.

Sometimes I get quite resentful that he has his day & 1/2 of time when they just play and have fun, But then mommy has to be the mean one taking him for skin and blood tests, tons of evaluations to get him into new therapies, and other implementations from the therapies I have learned. Insurance companies don’t want to pay for these in case you weren’t aware. So it is a constant battle of phone calls, paperwork, faxes from specialists, and constant headaches basically trying the absolute best for your child who does not have his own voice but sadly also not another voice from his family. I’m not going to sugarcoat this- it’s disheartening, and some days I feel like throwing my hands into the air and saying “Forget it- he will just continue to exhibit behaviors of a 2-3 year old yet he is 6 & 1/2”.

My normally positive posts are not so glowing tonight instead there is a haze of sadness and hopelessness.

I know there are resources out there (Especially for single moms) but I have no clue where to look or where to begin. Anyone reading this in the Florida area please leave a comment to give me any advice since I fear I am fast approaching the end of my rope.

Yet I have to hang on as there is NO other option for my sweet boy.

Autism- the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It has been a particularly stressful week being an autism single mom…

Today I’m going to drop the semi facade of the whole “blessing in disguise” business. Yes- that is true SO much of the time. But other times I bawl my eyes out in the shower and scream into a pillow if deemed necessary. Everything I have done on my own with no help whatsoever can be so overwhelming that the weight nearly cripples you. From getting him diagnosed around 18 months of age, early intervention therapies @2, getting him into the best researched school @3, and the countless IEP meetings, mountains upon mountains of paperwork, therapy appointments, specialist appointments, research to seek out other alternative therapies (which of course involves me fighting with the insurance companies trying for them to pay the normal co-pays instead of the through the roof deductible I could never meet), and again with virtually no support…. It’s backbreaking on my own sometimes.

I see families of autistic children that at least have each other to lean upon whereas I do not. His father sees him once a week on Sunday (so no Dr’s or therapy appointments there) and both of our families rarely see him. Just to be asked if there was Anything they could do to help would mean the world to me, but instead anytime I ever have asked for help I get excuses and BS about their lives. Sure of course no one’s life is easy by any means but for Christ’s sake this is A LOT to deal with! Even if they aren’t willing to help with some of the nitty gritty they could at least offer a shoulder to cry on when I fall to pieces occasionally.

Yes you are not supposed to play the comparison game, but it’s hard not to sometimes when it virtually is thrown in your face seeing children 1/3 of your child’s age posting “I’m getting my son into little league and soccer teams finally!!” Or “My daughter just got accepted into the Gifted program and an advanced coveted dance school!!” And I’m over here like “I’m trying to get my son to stop using the floor as his bathroom!?”…..
It sometimes just feels cruel and utterly disheartening. I know the parents intentions are not to maliciously brag about their child’s accomplishments- they are just proud and have every right to be. However I also know that they don’t realize how hurtful it can be to see the advancement of kids the same age or much younger getting to do all the things I wished so much my sweet son would be able to do by now. It can be heart-annihilating. At some point all special needs parents whether we would like to admit it or not went through, or are going through, a grieving process. Grieving the loss of what we thought we would have raising an average or “normal” (I abhor using that word) child progressing and excelling throughout life instead of the many despondent roadblocks. To honest I went through that mourning period of what was “supposed” to be. All the dreams and aspirations I had for him I have no absolute way of knowing if they will ever come true.

 I Do with all my heart believe in time he will shine and find his true niche in this world. Until then I will stop at nothing to help him be the best Lincoln he can be. It’s not about “fixing” him- it is about helping him take strides to rise above and put the ability in disability. Thankfully some of the battles have eradicated themselves becoming just a past memories of this journey leading to our final destination. Like the quote by Lyndon B. Johnson: “Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.”  Life as we know it today may be unrecognizable this time next year. I pray with all my heart to a God I am unsure if I still believe in that this will be the case for Lincoln and I. Every single stride he takes forward is a step towards a brighter future.

Despite these troublesome days where I think I may just lose my mind- I always remember the famous quote: “Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.” ~Ann Landers

Never, Never lose hope! I remind myself of this constantly. Also that perhaps I could be inspiring someone right now with my truthful words helping them realize they too can persevere through an exasperating time. The best part though is that I can say with 100% honesty that I feel lucky how Every single new thing my son does my heart absolutely overflows with elation! And that is something that parents of “normal” children I dare say do not notice, and at least definitely do not appreciate to the extent we as special needs parents do. We break down in happy tears of genuinely euphoric measures.

That is truly priceless beyond what any words could ever express.

Can they invent a pill for Autism Mamas to become stronger?

It is now 4 am.… Insomnia has won it’s battle against me once again.
This week I have not slept barely any hours more at night than a newborn baby.

I will be taking my son to several specialist appointments this week trying my best to advocate for his well-being. Unfortunately this is a 1 woman job here.
I have not an ounce of support from family to help with these absolute hell-ish appointments. The goal is getting to the bottom of these potentially attributing factors to his sensory issues. Perhaps it is simply a metal toxicity buildup from those aforementioned shots that I immensely feel affected his sweet yet sadly delayed neurological delays. I found out from a grueling comprehensive blood-work and stool sample tests that he is allergic to so much it is insanely overwhelming.

It does honestly break my heart at times seeing him function on such a lower functioning level. The veil is dropped right now as I am so raw.

He is 6 years old and is so far off from crucial things like even an unprompted sentence of more then 4 words (“I want crackers please.” is his longest).
He puts his shoes on and grabs my flip flops to put on my feet and says
“Ok car!” meaning in his adorable yet mysterious mind that he wants to go somewhere. That warms my heart. I want So so very badly to hear his thoughts that I sob hysterically sometimes wishing that we had a verbally communicating relationship where I could actually hear his sweet voice all the time- instead of his small tantrums when he gets frustrated that he cannot communicate his needs. He has gotten very good at non-verbally communicating these by grabbing my hands and saying one or two words to express his pressing needs. However I realized that if I continue to abide by this that I will essentially continue to be raising a 2 year old son…

This again is what most Autism parents Do not talk about. We want to sugar coat things about how much we have learned and how much hope we have for their futures, yet we do have those days when we fall apart. Our hopes and aspirations can become a light at the end of the tunnel that dims to darkness. I will never ever stop researching, advocating for new therapies, fighting with the insurance companies to cover them, reading every book I can get my hands on for new insight even if it seems like futile effort at times.

We had such a fantastic day today – we truly did. Filled with so many cuddles and laughs. My heart overflowed when he grabbed my hand to stroke his face and tickle his chin and stomach more and more and more! It was so joyous the grin on my face made my cheeks hurt. Yet I am completely dreading his radiology appointment to have a upper GI exploratory MRI where he has to fast (not even water), and the hour drive to St. Petersberg All Children’s Hospital will be sheer torture. If he even has a stethoscope put to him, instrument to look in his ears, or take his temperature it results in thrashing and me usually ending up with a few headbutts and a bloody lip. It is a difficult task and job in itself to be a single mother handling this navigation alone.
Not to sound like a martyr – these are the cards I was dealt and he is my angel. Sometimes it is just plain difficult for me to not bitterly resent his father for never even going to one therapy appointment, one doctors appointment, one specialist appointment in order to get him diagnosed, and also the fight to get him into the best schools and newest therapies. I wish so much I could let go of that (dare I say) hatred.
I know it is not healthy– but sometimes I can’t help but remember all the abuse towards me and then of course the complete lack of involvement of his sons life only seeing him once a week. It not only harbors ill feelings but deep sadness for Lincoln that he doesn’t have 2 parents- he has a mother that bends over backwards for his needs and a father that barely makes any time to care for him. I have said incredibly nasty things that at times I regret… calling him a “sperm donor” wasn’t exactly my finest moment. I at times wish I could take it back but other times feel it was completely warranted.

It is honestly wearing me incredibly thin. My auburn red hair is massively turning grey. Wrinkles are abounding.

Weekends come when I have my one day off yet I feel so exhausted I cannot even fathom leaving my apartment to decompress and that sometimes surfaces in not very healthy ways. Something has GOT to change! I do know that I can handle anything, but sometimes wish so much that it all was not completely on my shoulders. OK enough with the semi negative spewing!

Nothing great in life comes easily.
I’ll never give up my unwavering faith for my sweet Lincoln. I’m reminded of this cheesy song by B.O.B. and Taylor Swift that touched my heart and aptly applies to my situation “I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us. Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us.” This will be our reality- I do not doubt for one second!

Lessons Learned from Lincoln

I thought I knew true love until I had my son….
The most extraordinarily intense and profoundly consuming moment of my life happened 5-14-08

I can still vividly remember the moment they put him on my chest and I kept saying ” Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod!” tears rushed and poured down my face onto my neck where we snuggled our bare skin.

This was the moment I knew my life had real meaning.

The excruciating pain of natural childbirth subsided (well a little bit) while I closed my eyes and savored his first breaths in the world, and every moment thereafter overwhelmed with gratitude.
Those early moments of breastfeeding him, being woken every 2 hours to feed him, frantically checking on him every hour to make sure he was still breathing… These are the most exquisitely neurotically beautiful memories I’ll ever have probably in my entire life. I knew that I would die a thousand deaths if something were to ever happen to him. The quote by Elizabeth Stone suddenly made such profound sense-

“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”

As Lincoln began to grow the cause for concern was prevalent. He was late on his milestones. Keeping his head up (granted he had a huge noggin) sitting up, walking, and talking. However he would always catch up in a decent time-frame. Until around 18 months of age when I wanted to enroll him in a school that specialized with children that had developmental delays and they forced me to give the vaccination that has all the controversy swirled around it. Now I am NOT saying his autism was Caused by this. However within the week all his words were lost, eye contact gone, and all he wanted to do was spin any object he could find. These are the textbook indications of Autism. Even my ex-husband/his father who was pretty absent the majority of the time noticed this shift instantaneously. Well it was crushing. I’m not going to sugar coat that. No more games we would play together, no words like “mama” “baba” “dada” and so forth said, no interest in playing with other children. It all vanished… coincidental…? I think not…

People oftentimes ask me if I would change/fix him if I could or even go back in time and maybe not have kept the pregnancy (to which I of course use self control to refrain from slapping them silly)…? NO NEVER!
Would it be easier to have a “normally” functioning child? Of Course.
Would I choose to not have him just as he is in my life? Not a chance in hell.

Please watch this video to show this amazing father’s story of his daughter that is on the spectrum. He wrote down a bunch of accurate facts (which some I know have increased) comparing other conditions that receive SO much more funding than ASD. It is eye opening and a bit of a tear jerker! But a must watch for awareness-  http://youtu.be/z2B1FeS5VX4

Moral of my story is that Of course there are challenges, But Oh so many joys. He has expanded my mind and soul every day with his sweet little life. I am forever grateful for having him and hopefully someday there will be a way to “Fix” him, but if not I will love him neither any less or even potentially more than I already do because he is the Love of my Life!

 He is my hero and I strive to be his Heroine~

One of our many tender memorable breastfeeding moments and now memories…