It has been a particularly stressful week being an autism single mom…
Today I’m going to drop the semi facade of the whole “blessing in disguise” business. Yes- that is true SO much of the time. But other times I bawl my eyes out in the shower and scream into a pillow if deemed necessary. Everything I have done on my own with no help whatsoever can be so overwhelming that the weight nearly cripples you. From getting him diagnosed around 18 months of age, early intervention therapies @2, getting him into the best researched school @3, and the countless IEP meetings, mountains upon mountains of paperwork, therapy appointments, specialist appointments, research to seek out other alternative therapies (which of course involves me fighting with the insurance companies trying for them to pay the normal co-pays instead of the through the roof deductible I could never meet), and again with virtually no support…. It’s backbreaking on my own sometimes.
I see families of autistic children that at least have each other to lean upon whereas I do not. His father sees him once a week on Sunday (so no Dr’s or therapy appointments there) and both of our families rarely see him. Just to be asked if there was Anything they could do to help would mean the world to me, but instead anytime I ever have asked for help I get excuses and BS about their lives. Sure of course no one’s life is easy by any means but for Christ’s sake this is A LOT to deal with! Even if they aren’t willing to help with some of the nitty gritty they could at least offer a shoulder to cry on when I fall to pieces occasionally.
Yes you are not supposed to play the comparison game, but it’s hard not to sometimes when it virtually is thrown in your face seeing children 1/3 of your child’s age posting “I’m getting my son into little league and soccer teams finally!!” Or “My daughter just got accepted into the Gifted program and an advanced coveted dance school!!” And I’m over here like “I’m trying to get my son to stop using the floor as his bathroom!?”…..
It sometimes just feels cruel and utterly disheartening. I know the parents intentions are not to maliciously brag about their child’s accomplishments- they are just proud and have every right to be. However I also know that they don’t realize how hurtful it can be to see the advancement of kids the same age or much younger getting to do all the things I wished so much my sweet son would be able to do by now. It can be heart-annihilating. At some point all special needs parents whether we would like to admit it or not went through, or are going through, a grieving process. Grieving the loss of what we thought we would have raising an average or “normal” (I abhor using that word) child progressing and excelling throughout life instead of the many despondent roadblocks. To honest I went through that mourning period of what was “supposed” to be. All the dreams and aspirations I had for him I have no absolute way of knowing if they will ever come true.
I Do with all my heart believe in time he will shine and find his true niche in this world. Until then I will stop at nothing to help him be the best Lincoln he can be. It’s not about “fixing” him- it is about helping him take strides to rise above and put the ability in disability. Thankfully some of the battles have eradicated themselves becoming just a past memories of this journey leading to our final destination. Like the quote by Lyndon B. Johnson: “Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.” Life as we know it today may be unrecognizable this time next year. I pray with all my heart to a God I am unsure if I still believe in that this will be the case for Lincoln and I. Every single stride he takes forward is a step towards a brighter future.
Despite these troublesome days where I think I may just lose my mind- I always remember the famous quote: “Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.” ~Ann Landers
Never, Never lose hope! I remind myself of this constantly. Also that perhaps I could be inspiring someone right now with my truthful words helping them realize they too can persevere through an exasperating time. The best part though is that I can say with 100% honesty that I feel lucky how Every single new thing my son does my heart absolutely overflows with elation! And that is something that parents of “normal” children I dare say do not notice, and at least definitely do not appreciate to the extent we as special needs parents do. We break down in happy tears of genuinely euphoric measures.
That is truly priceless beyond what any words could ever express.