Yay it is finally Autism Awareness month!!

Oh how I wish everyone shared my immeasurably boundless passion to spread awareness and funding! I am writing this post now in an effort to reach out to whoever in this great big wonderful universe who might want to band together to see the soaring rates of autism decrease.

Did you know …

• Autism now affects 1 in 68 children and 1 in 42 boys
• Autism prevalence figures are growing
• Autism is the fastest-growing developmental disorder in the U.S.
• Autism costs a family $60,000 a year on average
• Boys are nearly five times more likely than girls to have autism
• There is no medical detection or cure for autism

National Institutes of Health Funds Allocation

• Total 2012 NIH budget: $30.86 billion
• Of this, only $169 million goes directly to autism research. This represents 0.55% of total NIH funding.

• More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes & cancer combined.
  (https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/facts-about-autism)
  Close to 50% of the money raised for Autism Speaks comes from the Walk Now for Autism Speaks events. Walk events not only generate vital funds for autism research, but also raises crucial awareness about autism on the local level.

  If at all possible please join my team “Walking for Lincoln” even if you cannot walk as the event is this Saturday April 11th in St. Petersburg Florida. You can still make a donation that will directly go towards the incredibly needed funding for research and the services they graciously provide for families in need.
  http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/tampa/walkingforlincoln

  My son does not have a voice to advocate for his disability so I am his voice- and I will not stop trying my best every single day to help him be the very best possible Lincoln he can be. I am also making neat crafts to sell and either list on Ebay or Etsy and then donate the proceeds to Autism Speaks (https://instagram.com/p/09LK9YxW0S/). If you are interested please comment below and thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this~ Much love from Arielle & Lincoln

  Every little bit of Awareness matters!

  

  The Love of my Life

Liar Liar pants on Fire…

Call me crazy if you would like but I just don’t understand why people cheat…
If you are not happy in the relationship and start desiring other people then just end things!
Clearly the relationship is either dysfunctional or not meeting your needs/desires. It’s the obvious beginning of the end so why not just pull the band-aid off in one swift motion instead of a painstakingly slow process that makes it hurt more…?

I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that a large percentage of us have been cheated on at least once in our lives (I know I have) and know firsthand how badly it stings and the wounds that leave an aftershock behind like a tsunami after an earthquake. Let’s face it we ALL have baggage in one way or another. That is why the phrase was coined to “find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack”. However call me crazy again if you would like, but I feel that it’s better to be alone than to be with someone and feel alone.

Life is so complicated sometimes…
You’re up
You’re down
You trust, love, and care
Hoping, expecting, and dreaming that this treatment will be returned only to realize all too often that you indeed set yourself up to experience major heartbreak (or heart-annihilation as I like to create my own terminology).
This game called love- it is quite the crazy little one it seems. How many epic love ballads are there on the radio from decades past and present music now? Would there even be half as many songs created if love was not used as a lyrical foundation? But the real meaty question I ponder sometimes if ultimately it’s just an ego stroke or a way of amusement for some. Picking up someone’s heart like a proverbial shiny new toy and then discarding it once the next perceived better one comes on the market.

People who have intentions such as this are like cancer. You get the initial diagnosis. Then remove the tumor with surgery so it’s cut out, but draining chemotherapy to fix this life or death situation is oftentimes still needed. A proactive cleansing so to speak. Maintenance is also necessary in order to ensure one’s long term health.
Scars are left but only should serve the purpose of showing us where we have been. They do not and should not dictate where we are going. Learning to have faith and hope in love again is no easy process by any means after we have endured such pain, but we must enter the future with a clean slate if we want a shot at Real love.

I do believe it is truly out there for me and everyone else too. It’s just waiting for the moment you have progressed to a state of health, stability, self-love, and have developed independence knowing you don’t Need anyone to create your happiness because you know how to make it yourself. It’s liberating and amazing to free yourself from that emotional prison since you are the one possessing the key, so it cannot be taken away unless you entrust someone to hold it. Once you have gotten to that point you know what else they say- that it is only when you least expect and stop seeking love out that it then proceeds to falls into your lap. “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” John Lennon said. I’ll leave with a lesser known quote by him that I love:

 “You don’t need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!”

Karma (ahhh)

They say you cannot truly love someone else until you truly love yourself.
Today I can say with unwavering certainty that I love the woman I have become.

Physically I know I can survive anything as comparing the excruciating process of natural childbirth dwarfs anything else; however emotional pain was/is always an uphill battle like trying to gain control of momentum on a roller coaster. The name of my roller coaster was Husband. The terror of the ride still haunts me. I remember with perfect clarity so many times he stood over me laughing at his own destruction and making a mockery out of my pain. I would be curled up in a ball laying in the fetal position on the floor of our bathroom (the designated spot I chose and went to countless times) crying so hard I would vomit gasping for air barely able to breathe. Eventually 10-30 minutes or so later he’d come in laughing, pull me up on my feet, hug me, and then say a derogatory comment while still laughing condescendingly.

Then, with a smile on his face and amusement in his voice, he’d tear me down even further. It was almost like foreplay for him. He enjoyed it. Sometimes, he would even become sexually aroused, and it sickens me to think of what I unwillingly permitted more often than not to happen.

Looking back now, my own tolerance and permissiveness, sickens me. Why didn’t I leave?! Why did I stay? I tried to bury some of those atrocities deep down inside myself, in an effort to block it out and forget. But I didn’t forget.  His abuse planted seeds of self-hatred and self-doubt so deep in my soul…. seeds that I let him plant and I let grow inside of me. Then drastically grew into an overpowering entity of bitter resentment eating me inside and out. The longer I avoided facing the pain I’d been through, the more overwhelming the bitterness and resentment became. You never forget pain like that.

I realized, I don’t have to avoid it anymore. I can’t.

I do not wish to hate the father of my child and would never wish that upon my worst enemy, but here I was sitting 3 years post divorce letting his cruelty haunt my usually happy demeanor with flashbacks from the past. I have decided to accept what I cannot change and acknowledge my own fault in that I allowed myself to be abused so long without standing up for myself. Most people go into Fight or Flight response but instead I went into a state closely resembling a kicked puppy dog whimpering with a tail in-between it’s legs. I let it happen over and over again. I did allow myself to be demeaned, but Not anymore.

“The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That’s all there ever is.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Today the ongoing battle of custody/child support came to a climactic conclusion. The dreaded court case that made me lose so much sleep and gain so many new grey hairs is now finally over! I was petrified that I would fall to pieces and directly on my face. Not the case in this case however. I held my head up high even while being cross examined by the devil incarnate himself in the courtroom, and ended up winning everything I asked to be paid. Heck- I could have even asked for more and most likely would have been granted it, but I am perfectly content knowing that I finally got a piece of the delicious karmic pie I’ve been desiring to taste for so long now. Like a stranded traveler in the desert starving for water who constantly only saw mirages. Only this time I got to savor it for real and it left such a sweet aftertaste in my mouth.

Every single horrific experience in my past shaped me into a stronger person as I survived each and every single one of those moments even when doubt came to mind if I could withstand it all. Every so often I have those moments of clarity in life where the stars align and I can finally feel an overpowering urge of utter joy bursting at the seams. I want to jump up and down or twirl around dancing today knowing I took action and changed things for the better for my son and I.

My life is exactly where it should be and I am exactly who I should be. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I know myself finally. Who could ask for anything more?

*Explicit* Read this if you Dare…

I have noticed that curse words tend to be 4 letters in length. More importantly I have noticed that every time I try to write rape or even abuse on my Iphone it auto-corrects it to say tape and abide. Even Apple doesn’t want to use or acknowledge these words. It seems to fall into a category of Hush-Hush, Shhhhh, and Don’t talk Don’t tell. Much like the now abandoned rule for homosexuals in the military. Why does this topic receive such little attention and awareness though? When there are murders, robberies, or even car crashes the media instantly leaps and bounds out of their chairs to report every detail of these crises, but in the event of a rape NO ONE bats an eyelash unless they are personally effected by this disaster. God forbid a celebrity were to get abused (like how Rihanna was physically assaulted) because then everyone has a loud voice and rallies for support. What about us commoners who are scared, alone, and have no means to receive any support? Maybe it is because the overall population seems wanting to remain blissfully ignorant and maintain their silence.

I recently read an article that sickened me to my very core: “Fewer than one rape victim in 30 can expect to see her or his attacker brought to justice, shocking new statistics reveal. Although 90 per cent of rape victims said they knew the identity of their attacker, just 15 percent went to the police, telling researchers it was “too embarrassing”, “too trivial” or a “private/family matter”.
(retrieved via http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/100000-assaults-1000-rapists-sentenced-shockingly-low-conviction-rates-revealed-8446058.html)

I knew the man who raped me. And the several others who attacked me. Did I receive justice? No. And I went through the heinous process via police and the emergency room in order to REALLY try to stand up this time. However it was to no avail and only kept things fresh in my mind. Hurting me even more profoundly was the morning I found out about his death (obviously no charges could ever be now) and saw his face plastered all over my Facebook saying what a “Great loss to our community and the art world he was. What a tragedy this was”- How about the tragedy of him violating me repeatedly?

The actress Teri Hatcher from the popular TV show “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” had the opportunity and gumption to share her story of sexual abuse on the United Nations day in November of 2014 that was called:

Commemoration of the International Day to End Violence against Women

She held back tears saying “I am 1 of 3 women who was forced to accept violence as a part of their life story…I am the one who yells from the rooftops until those numbers change, until every woman who has faced abuse, feels less alone and safe enough to find the courage to have her own voice. Until violence against women is not a part of any woman’s story. Silence will not be part of mine”! To her I can only say BRAVO!

1 in 3 women…. that could be your mother, sister, or daughter….
Let that sink in….

Later in the interview she goes on to say how she later found out her attacker not surprisingly continued this cycle of abuse with another victim (leopards don’t seem to ever change their spots do they?) and sadly this 11 year old girl had wrapped her head in a towel and shot herself in the head. In her suicide letter Teri’s attacker was revealed and implicated to having been abusing this poor girl for years. How could this have happened? Well society does cast a very unappealing light- using blaming questions like “What were you wearing? Were you drinking?”! “Shaming the victim by saying “Why did you stay?” or “Why didn’t you say something?” Instead of MORE importantly why did her abuse her?! Watch Teri’s inspirational speech I urge you! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFwXrBEQw1E)

The question MUST be asked why/how are there still hundreds of thousands of victims who remain silent for years missing the statute of limitations to press charges, but even sadder are the ones who immediately go and destroy all the evidence in the shower preventing any chance to find proof….?
….I didn’t…. I couldn’t even shower for days and then couldn’t sleep for an entire week.

Every 107 seconds, another American is sexually assaulted.

Here’s the math. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS)–there is an average of 293,066 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year.

For an eye opening quick read the above info was retrieved via https://www.rainn.org/statistics.
This is just NOT acceptable! Do you want to remain part of the problem by hiding away until something like this happens to you or someone you love? Or perhaps join a new movement of awareness and become part of the cure? I have the upmost respect for anyone who is not afraid to speak out and share their thoughts unabashedly… like one of my beloved heroes John Lennon. He openly and outright expressed his disdain for our society demanding to being heard and in doing so had a hand in forever leaving a change in the world. Only the good die young they say- I can’t help but wonder what else he might have had shined some enlightenment on? I dare say the world would be a strikingly better place….

What if…? A dangerous question

It seems that eventually in life we encounter an inevitable fork in one of the many crossroads we face as adults, and suddenly find ourselves caught up in a whirlwind trying to determine which way to proceed. Choosing one person to date instead of another, whether or not to get married, which house to buy, and heck even where to eat dinner! All of those things have the potential to be disastrous unfortunately- the chosen relationship turns toxic and chances are that someone much better for you passed by, you inadvertently bought a “money pit” of a house or worse yet end up a victim of crime there, and the chance of food poisoning is always prevalent eating out too! Not necessarily meant to be negative connotations here- just little reminders that we do not even realize most of the time how our choices come with either good or bad consequences. Had we chosen “left” instead of “right” or “A” instead of “B” then obviously there would have been a different outcome.

The point however is that we will drive ourselves mad pondering all the “What if’s”. It can be quite the slippery slope. To illustrate: a little bit of alcohol, bacon, red meat, or sugar is just fine but too much will cause your body to break down in a multitude of diseases. The same would become of our heart, mind, and soul if we were to indulge excessively in this behavior. Moderation is the most easily disregarded implement we can have in our tool-belt.
Asking ourselves thought-provoking questions about our past can indeed be healthy and beneficial for obtaining enlightenment and growth, but again an over-sized portion will have an unhealthy opposite effect. I think of it as corrosion of our spirit, and just like how the batteries in our vehicles need check-ups and replacements we too need these reality checks in order to maintain the power inside ourselves. I love Wikipedia (I have an app that gives me daily info and am a happy little nerd with each post) so I looked up the definition of this commonly known phrase:

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions is a proverb or aphorism. An alternative form is “hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works“.

How much hidden truth is in that second meaning? We can create hell or heaven for ourselves with our actions and our choices alone. The blame game serves no purpose for attaining personal growth. If we humbly accept our mistakes then we are laying the first brick down on the path of altruism. This path has many twists and turns so learning from our past transgressions and changing our course NOW is the surest way to secure safer and happier future steps.
Why not start now? What have you got to lose besides emotional clutter inside that can be cleaned up spic and span and cleared out to make space for blissfully happy new experiences. Here is a quote from Buddha that I love:

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

Thoughts become beliefs, beliefs become behaviors, and then ultimately become the actions we take in all of our decisions to follow. I say pull out the weeds and make room for planting beautiful seeds that will unquestionably bring fulfilling satisfaction and the upmost content imaginable.

My Rose-colored glasses may have Cracks- But I’m still wearing them

When did caring become such an undesirable quality?

It appears that kindness is oftentimes portrayed more to be weakness in this day and age instead of a cherished endearing quality. We were all born with a clean slate after all, so I believe that we are capable of this natural propensity. However when life throws unavoidable curve-balls sometimes an unnatural shift or learned coping behavior sets in to safeguard ourselves. So many people can reach a horrific point of being shut off completely. Is this a subconscious or unconscious choice as a way of self preservation? I often ponder that thought….

After recent discussions with friends and family who are so closed off and frequently chastise me for being so open it just hurts my heart immensely. Especially seeing plenty of humanity fall into this abhorrent trap of negativity. Albeit certain circumstances happen beyond our control such as: child or adulthood abuse, addiction, death, natural disasters, terrorism, and many other countless tragedies that happen every day. Instead of rising up against the surmounting obstacles it certainly is easier to wallow in despair (as I most certainly have done in the past and still struggle with when one or all of the balls in this juggling act I call life fall), and despite our best actions we may feel that we cannot recover.

Our hearts can become hardened much like how trans fats clog up our arteries- thus preventing life supporting blood we desperately need flowing throughout our bodies in order to maintain physical well-being. The waiting list for ailing hearts to receive life-saving transplant surgery is far too long and unfortunately not enough donors can reach debilitated ones in time. If healthy steps are not taken on our part to change then we could find ourselves rapidly deteriorating.

Philosophically speaking I want to be a child again…. carefree, unabashed to society, and joy-filled. Happiest over the tiniest of things because we inherently know who we are before we are told who to be.
The question begs to be asked then at what age does this unfavorably set in? High school, puberty, or even elementary school for particularly shy tykes (like myself)? Flash forward to adulthood and now the world beats its deafening indoctrination into us on a daily basis. Sinking it deeper and deeper into our psyche and most times we are not even aware of it.

Why shouldn’t we be allowed to follow the song in our hearts? March to our own drum beats? Dream our dreams and not be afraid to follow them to fruition or to failure? Thankfully my sweet son has shown me quite simply how joyful it is acknowledging the small wonders of life.
Appreciatively he reminds me daily of just how awesome it is to have the chance to act like a kid again! When you are a child you just do things because they feel good. Dancing, singing, swinging, jumping into puddles, and playing with our imaginations endlessly to name just a few! No judgement- No guilt – No shame or embarrassment. It reminds me of the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and the heart of the child”.

Look up at the sky every day. Notice the cloud variations, the sunrises and sunsets, or if you can visit the beach at night watch the stars light up that beautiful canvas- if you are lucky enough perhaps you may just catch a heat lightning storm dancing on display. If you don’t “Stop and smell the Roses” you are missing out on an indescribable monetary free amount of wealth for your soul. It is your choice and yours alone- Change your thoughts Change your world. So much happiness and fulfillment can be missed if instead of having on these seemingly silly rose colored glasses we are viewing the world through thick dark shades completely hiding the windows of our souls. If we only get one life I want to make sure that every day mine is filled with acknowledgement of beauty and appreciation. The gift of life is not a given right, and after all it’s called the Presence which is a wonderful reminder that life is indeed a Present!

One of our absolute favorite pastimes – Running along the beach to watch the sunset. He never seems to stop running or grinning and giggling!! He gets that from his Mama

The Apple doesn’t fall far from the Tree

White magic VS Dark magic.
This may appear to be a hippie dippie cuckoo sentence to some. However an epiphany from the book “The Four Agreements” (that was my first book I ever read on my path to REAL self improvement) of Toltec wisdom describes this concept as awareness to either choose to use your words and actions like Magic- Choosing white is pure and ethereal – Choosing black is dark, cold, toxic like deadly mold. The choice is Yours and Yours alone….

My mom’s perspective –

HER: She changed her true self out of fear and thinks that I am going to wear a mask and repress myself further like I did in the past. She was naked at Woodstock. She tried every drug in the book. Plays acoustic guitar,writes poetry, draws and sings her own songs written. She hitch-hiked across the US with her dog and again later with her cousin my “Aunt Maxine” (Love her to death- she is exactly like me too even though I have not seen her since I was a preteen sadly since she lives in CA), was geographically high on a mountaintop while high as a kite on LSD and a serial killer murdered someone or some people on the lower level or grounds of the mountain base she was at. She also was in a severely abusive relationship– sacrificed her all– let herself be defiled and disrespected– and eventually his abuse was on all levels like in my marriage (although they never married, so I am not speaking of my Dad). He got money apparently in some way shape or form and then cheated on her and abandoned her basically after she had picked up everything and moved onto a hippie commune in VA for him. Controlled in every way and then abandoned. EEEERILY accurate description of me.

ME: I have skinny dipped quite a few times at Siesta Key Beach. I had natural childbirth forever defining my infinite power to control physical pain. I have experimented a lil’ wee bit with my sexuality *shhhh*. I am an artist with my natural abilities of seeing art where/whenever I am outside plus with people capturing the real moments/bliss of everyday “smelling of the roses so to speak”. I too love my child more than life itself and I really love life and Finally know how to keep that ever so fleeting feeling. I know as well that I’d die for him in an instant without so much as a second of thought- as I know my mom would bear all the crosses I bear from trials/traumas, and would take away any/all pain so I would never have to feel an ounce if only possible. I too march to my own drumbeat and enjoy doing so; However we are not exactly the same anymore….

HER: After several near death life experiences including a Greyhound bus accident where my mom’s cousin Maxine was sitting next to her and almost lost her arm plus several people died. This last near death experience scarred her because she did not seek any proper counseling (as I did not in my previous traumas too until recently really) so she became incredibly paranoid about so many things. She went from a college graduate who majored in Philosophy and Religion to someone who became prey for the vultures of society (organized religion- or at least the one that stole away 1/3 of my small family) who swooped in there like she was roadkill to revitalize with a missing heart (watch the short film “Death to the Tinman” based loosely upon the character Tinman from the Wizard of Oz for this next reference) so she became a meat-puppet (Sorry Mama if you ever read this no offense I would gladly jump in front of a train for you but Yes this is my reality of awareness). To each their own and I know now that I am entitled with every right to be respected for my feelings and thoughts. Having learned and understood recently with this Ah-Ha moment of how similar my best friend Sharon (my Mom) and I are it has given me an appreciative perspective that has added to my bit of enlightenment.

The magnitude of repressed memories of abuse are so unhealthy to not uncover instead of burying deep down as they will just come out in other ways then. For me just now I remember a small detail of ex flicking the middle of my forehead HARD unexpectedly in disdain and anger towards me. After I would scream and beg him to not ever do that again. That of course pales in comparison to the couple times he punched me, but it is a small way of showing abuse. The shoves. The slaps. The flicks. Pushing me down and laughing over me while I cowered on the floor. Again laughing as I cry and shake from his cruelty then finally hugging me and being aroused by it sickly enough.

Hindsight is 20/20 after all- they didn’t coin that phrase for no reason. The quote by Albert Einstein always comes to my mind: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result”.

I did that for 5 years in my marriage and 29 years of my life sacrificing my soul in one way or the other to either please my parents, the church, husband, and then my son since I was too scared to leave worrying that his progress in developmental delays would go backwards. Funny quick interjection: The first time I heard about the Mayan calendar hoax of the world ending 12-21-12 shook me in a rather odd way. I was used to scare tactics of the world ending with Armageddon that was indoctrinated into me along with the fear of God growing up; However this time I stopped and thought “If this truly is the last year of my life do I want to spend it with someone who treats me so terribly?” NO. I started that supposed “last year of the world” finally starting to spread my wings that had been clipped for so long.

The lessons I learned once I came through the darkness are lessons that some people do not learn until their actual deathbed.
Family/True Love/Inner Happiness is all that is important.