Nature’s lessons

As I’m tending to my garden today I got the strangest feeling of peace. Awareness they call it. It wasn’t just the joy of having my hands in the dirt though. My overgrown flowers I had left unkempt for a few months needed some serious care and pruning. As I’m cutting off the dark and discolored portions I had to go down even to the base of the root because some of the stems had become rotten to the core.

The beauty of my flowers and greenery that were still blossoming hit me in awe. Here they were still in all their glory- they were just being crowded out by the unhealthy growth and weeds. Cut after cut the natural shape of the bush reappeared and once done even though there was so much missing where the dead growth was the remaining healthy stems seemed to sit taller reaching up towards the sun now instead of being tangled down.

*Epiphany*

How TRUE is this for when we “prune” out unhealthy toxic relationships around us? We are no longer letting ourselves be held down once we make that difficult decision to cut ties. You may truly love that person and enjoy their company, but as Patty Smyth sang “Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough”. It may seem like an insurmountable harrowing job at first, but upon finishing the task an incredible weight can be lifted off your shoulders. Because now there is room for healthy and positive relationships (romantic or friendship) to open up and grow. .

I used to feel guilty to cut off certain people from being in my life, but I now realize that it is simply self-preservation. Giving yourself the same respect, love, and care that you are giving out to others. I had forgotten to nurture my poor flowers however I was able to nurse them back to life, and now I am determined to not ever again forget to do the same for myself!

Put that damn oxygen mask on Yourself First!

This is such a seemingly simple concept yet I find it SO incredibly difficult to retain in my mind.

Recently I had a conversation asking the question that if someone was crying for help would you run over answering the cries or run the other direction? I answered without even a 2 second thought given that I would run to help! He said now what if they had a gun- you would put yourself in danger like that…? I said “Well I don’t know I have never truly thought about that before… But how could I live with myself knowing that if something tragic happened that maybe I would’ve been able to prevent it?”

This was a very eye awakening moment for me…

I‘m so used to taking care of everyone around me that I forget to take care of myself all too often. No martyr session or sad violin playing in the background here that is merely just my disposition, however this conversation really made me stop to think deeply. Would I really potentially choose the life over a stranger and leave my son without a mother? Leave my loved ones forever in the effort (which may or may not succeed) trying to save someone else? I’m supposed to be saving myself goodness gracious!!

How often I am reminded of this paraphrased quote:

I often forget that others do not care
the same way that I care

Sad but true. It is a basic form of human nature that we all are hard-wired differently. Sometimes that is a good thing- other times it can hurt very very much. I oftentimes find myself envious of those that are seemingly able to turn their feelings off and on like a switch…
Despite how much it stings to constantly open myself up to getting wounds I would not want to change. Caring too much is better than caring too little in my opinion. However self-preservation needs to become a priority otherwise we will not be strong enough to endure life’s up’s & down’s, and also will not have the strength to pull one another up without depleting ourselves.

That damn oxygen mask…. It’s time to attach it securely now before it is too late! I am learning every day to embrace myself with the same love I give out, and finally learning that taking better care of myself is not selfish rather it is vital!

Cupid is Stupid

Ironic that those two words rhyme isn’t it?

Being a hopeless romantic I am always foolishly imagining in my head when a new relationship starts that “This MUST be why all the past happened to lead me here”! Rose colored glasses much?

Sometimes I admit that I do wish I were having my “happily ever after”... Now do not get me wrong I enjoy my independence more than words can describe after being trapped in an abusive marriage and then finding myself in other unhealthy relationships time and time again.
It’s supposed to in theory lead you to the right one by getting your heart completely annihilated by the wrong ones… BUT

What if there is no fairy tale ending?
What if after Princess Ariel marries Prince Eric she shortly realizes he is a narcissistic control freak? Movies that my generation grew up on such as the plethora of Disney movies, classic musicals, and old/new romantic comedies always seem to have that central theme of finding your “One true love”.

I find it odd that they never do seem to make a sequel following up after that “true love’s kiss”….

Alas cynicism can raise its ugly head…

However come what may I will still forever be a hopeless romantic despite my heart enduring been torn out of my chest and crushed many a time before. It grew back. Stronger than I ever thought possible too.
Whether “Prince Charming” is in my life is not what I choose to focus on. Happiness is an inside job after all!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”
– Oscar Wilde

Love simplified

Sitting outside earlier I saw a butterfly land on a flower right in front of me and pondered in my head a seemingly simple slightly odd question-
“Why do I love butterflies so much?”….
Instantly my thoughts were clear as day. It’s not just my love of finding beauty in nature and the fact that I see pictures wherever I look, but rather it is the freedom they personify.
They flitter and float with no care in the world. Only stopping momentarily to “smell the roses” before they take flight once more to an unknown destination. Wouldn’t that be blissfully wonderful to experience?

I do believe that deep down we all desire that feeling of “freeness” and always crave a small piece of it. Some know how to find it (thereby finding themselves) and are unabashed to society in showcasing it. Others keep it tucked away shyly only opening up occasionally for the world to see.
I want to continue to keep spreading my wings and soaring into the wind unafraid of anything behind or in front of me. Only enjoying what is presently before me to take in and fully experience.

Like that fleeting butterfly though who only stays but a moment I’m petrified to think I could lose this enlightened way I feel now. If life were to slap me figuratively or literally again would I dip downwards back into darkness? That passing thought thankfully does not stay long as I know that I have survived near death experiences and managed to thrive afterwards!

I find it funny how an almost child-like simplistic moment can evoke so much emotion.
Our eyes must be open to catch these awakening moments that can happen in a split second

Love can be reflected in everything we do, see, and experience if we only let it….

 

The One that got Away…

That’s not just the title of a Katy Perry song. For a select few that ended up with their first loves those words don’t hit home, but for the vast majority of us it is part of our reality. Chapter 1 in the story of our love life, and then those pages are forever burned.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed together with my first love- a sweet boy from my home in upstate New York who was my first kiss even @18 years old. I would have stayed living there, gotten to experience the seasons regularly, never have gotten into any of the excruciating traumas I have this in past decade….

I always pose the question “would the sweet taste nearly as sweet if we didn’t have the bitter to compare it to?”

My random pondering seems to get different answers when asked every time. Some people view inexperience with the “real world” as a blessing- after all the popular expression is that “ignorance is bliss” wouldn’t exist! However I feel that we do need those heartbreaking and heart-swelling experiences to truly grow. That is how we learn our weaknesses and strengths without any inexplicable doubt.

Anytime I start to feel any pang of regret from my choices in life I quickly remind myself that if things hadn’t panned out the way they did I wouldn’t have my son Lincoln. Then all the Love and Light he has given me I would never get to see….

There’s a reason the past is in the past- It’s because you were meant for more~

Past, present, and future happiness

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from not and make a brand new ending.~Carl Bard

 No one can change the past no matter how badly some of us may want to. Wishing upon a falling star or a birthday cake candle unfortunately does not ever seem to make a difference except unrealistically raise our hopes/expectations.

The past is indeed the past and will forever be-

just as it is burned into our memories.

However it is the way we view this fact that unlocks the little known secret for clarity and awareness, so that we can appreciate what led us right here to this very moment of our life. Even right now in this very minute as you are (hopefully) reading this.

There may have been quite a few bumps on the road-trip of our lives and many left-hand turns when we in hindsight wish we made right-hand turns instead. This can lead us to frequent U-turns as we desperately try to right our perceived wrongs. GPS can only do so much figuratively speaking!

It’s part of the journey of our wonderful, weird, sometimes treacherous,
but always Beautiful lives.

I always say that I would rather have a story to tell (albeit sometimes tragic ones) than to never have a story to tell! 

A mediocre life scares me MUCH more than a life full of near death potentially unbelievable yet true stories. Because guess what?

They became part of ME- and I would not trade the woman I am now for the world.

So what to do is the question…. ?

 Stand there paralyzed by fear that we might make a wrong turn/decision, or just close our eyes and jump in knowing full well that someday those choices could result in seemingly irreversible pain…?

I choose to jump. No matter how many times I land flat on my face at least I will know on my eventual death bed that I faced fear in the face. Won some incredible battles, lost some heartbreaking ones, but my final words would be an emphatic “I Lived and Loved to the fullest!”

 

You cannot Force anything

“May the Force be with you”

~Yoda

I wish that my Most favorite character in movie history was around to impart his seemingly off-beat knowledge because NONE of us are Jedi masters; however I cannot agree fully with that sentiment. We cannot “force” things despite how badly we want them at times. Even if we had a light saber to enforce with! Things like:

• Love
• Finances
• Intelligence
• Health
• Support from friends and family

– These all take time and real work to set up, but also more importantly maintenance to keep up. This has been illustrated quite clearly to me recently compartmentalizing the loss from being robbed, focusing on my career and college, and truly realizing that I am the ONLY person who ever has and ever will advocate for my sweet autistic angel.
Living but more importantly Learning from our experiences is the only true way to gain badges of honor, and once earned cannot be taken away by anyone. Only by ourselves if we are not actively persevering in the fight for our right to be happy.
It is easy to forget that we control our own destiny by how we act Today.

I am a firm believer that we never know how strong we are until being strong is the only option. Overtime isn’t just a possibility in sports games- it is a constant battle for some in this game called life. Plus the challenge of “sudden death” can take on a dynamically different meaning and could happen at any given time. This is Fact not Fiction.

The power is and always will be inside ourselves to sustain awareness of, and contentment of the degree to which we are enlightened.

And Never Ever give up!

Boston Insight

I recently found the book “The Power of Now” that I bought to accompany me on my flight to Boston.

*A little background*

I was to spend a 4 day weekend with an orthopedic surgeon I randomly met on the street while vacationing with my best friend Natasha. He came to the airport to have dinner with me as our travel itinerary was booked. Keeping in contact a month or so later he flew me out to spend time with him. That vacation with him unfortunately was atrocious.
I wanted to change my flight and leave early, but I decided Hey I’m in Boston I’m going to enjoy myself all by myself! So I Did! I went everywhere. Toured The Museum of Modern Arts by myself all afternoon.
It was absolutely wonderful! There was a Mario Testino photography exhibit so being a photographer I was beyond thrilled to see it. I stopped to get a glass of Cabernet there and realized just how much I truly enjoy my own company! Priceless!
Needless to say this did not end up with a love connection. Never saw him again nor ever wanted to. Over my years of relationships I can spot a demanding, controlling, and future abuser miles away so No thank you!
However on the flight home I had an amazing experience and wrote out the following few paragraphs- NO editing as I had used a pencil writing.

The title of my #RandomMusings 

A note written on my flight home from Boston

I met this couple married for 41 years… 6 kids, 8 grandchildren, and absolutely glowing about all their travels and experiences. Hand in hand as the plane takes off they nod off to sleep together.

I just can’t help but wonder when did we all get over the idea of growing old together? When did that get old?
Seems to be the rarest form of love today and the truest. Finding your partner and living together each day creating memories and a foundation for the future that you actually will spend together. This concept nowadays seems almost foreign sadly.

She excitedly told me about when she knew that Farrell was “the one”! He was not her first love, however upon meeting “they both just knew!” – Who knew it could be that easy?
Perhaps we complicate things too much in this life of bigger, better, faster, and more, more, more. This way of living now that we are all accustomed to. What is the shame in being perfectly happy and content with what you actually have instead of just keeping it until the next flashy object comes along? Choosing just one person out of all the rest to be your running mate in the non political sense- rather in the state of being and living. In the end you can only have one, and in the final end none.

So why not embrace love when you find it and hold on tightly and protecting it once found instead of tossing it away easily for a perceived “upgrade”? Having what you want and wanting what you have- this is by far the most intrinsically simple truth to learn yet so very difficult to retain.

~Arielle Monaghan
Written 12-4-12

I choose to FLY!

You Cannot buy Intuition

The only real valuable thing is intuition.

Albert Einstein

Well this man certainly made some remarkable discoveries didn’t he?

After all he is the one responsible for determining the Theory of relativity and E = mc²  so for goodness sake clearly he has some powerful brain cells!

Yet here this rarely known quote illustrates the level of just how deeply intelligent this man was -not only on an educational level but emotionally as well. His consciousness was incredible. Something to be marveled at truly, instead of the trivial things today that are given the most merit like who is going win Top Actor for the Emmy’s or the Screen Actors Guild. Even winning the Nobel Prize seems to not be given as much importance anymore in this generation. I mourn the loss of all the closed book store chains, let alone the Mom & Pop ones that never lasted. Walden Books, Borders, and probably Barnes & Nobles soon enough sadly will rest in peace and be a fond memory like Blockbuster. Sayonara wonderful stores now yet another nail salon or a “Build-A-Bear” has replaced you in our malls.

Intuition is the most powerful form of protection imaginable if you train yourself to listen to it. “Follow your gut” they say or “Just listen to your heart” -How easy does that sound yet how hard is it to understand….?  Now had I learned this a lot sooner then I wouldn’t have this heaping pile of accumulated traumatic incidences. Hindsight- go figure.

 Chances are I wouldn’t have gotten into these predicaments or at least not all of them since every single time I had ignored my intuition. The tell-tale feeling in my stomach pulsated just like how in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” it was beating through the floors absolutely pounding for my attention. Yet I brushed my feelings off thinking that I merely was being paranoid. Lo and behold I should have trusted those hairs on the back of my neck. Like how dogs instinctively sniff out another person almost immediately sensing their character. Yet we are supposed to be the evolved ones…? Hmm food for thought.

Following your intuition is clearly the focus we need to empower ourselves to take control over our own destinies by way of having consciousness. That unfortunately takes time to refine those skills, But once defined they will be so chiseled in our soul that it can never be taken away. Carve something meaningful upon a heart, but not on a tree- into our minds.

   

Autism Irony

Many times I hear such amazingly sweet and meaningful words that touch me  to my core and deservedly a beaming smile flashes in my eyes and across my face. Truthfully though I find this rather difficult quite often, so instead I tend to half smile hiding tears that start to well up in my tear ducts. The kindness is shrugged off instead of reflectively and rightfully having it be sunken into my heart.
Why…? Well unfortunately I suffer from these agonizing feelings that I should be doing MORE! MORE! MORE!

No matter how many Doctor’s and Specialist appointments, IEP meetings with his teachers and therapists, ongoing new treatments, current evaluations, new behavior analyst tests, and then of course painstakingly long and semi difficult research I do desperately in the hopes of finding any ways I can to help improve the sweet love of my life- I still always feel like my best just isn’t nearly anywhere good enough….
Many times though I hear some phrases that do not get anywhere remotely close to my heart strings, in fact can inadvertently be semi hurtful….
Such as:

1. “HOW do you do it?! I could never!”
2. “He is still in diapers at almost 7? My son potty trained at 2- Have you tried giving him M&M’s?”
3. “God only gives special needs children to people who are strong enough”

So to answer those questions….

1. How do I do it? Well what other choice do I have? I certainly cannot push him back up the birth canal! Those episiotomy scars long healed- Thank you very much! And trust me natural child birth was plenty of enough trauma there!
2. Yes he is 7 years old and refusing to potty train… M&M’s you say? OHMYGOODNESS I had never heard of such a brilliant idea!? Bribing my son with sugar in the hopes of compliance for him to “normally” have a bodily function? Well someone alert the media there is a new groundbreaking ideological theory!
3. God “chose” me to have a son with a severe neurological condition to prove how strong I am? *Not to get into a religious debate as I know my Bible cover to cover*-But what am I his servant Job being tested to the max? I’m sorry but why on earth would a loving God want to single me out to face obstacles that bring me to my knees constantly and make me feel like I’m drowning in a puddle of my own tears?

Before you chastise my answers that may seem to have negative undertones I just strongly encourage everyone no matter their circumstance may be to just drop the mask every now and again and let yourself free from the self judgement you impose on yourself and the fear of being judged by others. Open up, Clear out, and Vent!
Try it!! It’s refreshingly therapeutic and even funny to read back over your tiny rant and giggle knowing that it’s not actually how you truly feel! Just sometimes your back breaks a bit, the walls start to cave in, and suddenly you find yourself wanting to meltdown on the ground like your little guy or gal on the autism spectrum.

And you know what I’ve realized….? IT’S OK…!
Even Mother Teresa probably had bad days too where I’m sure she might have rolled her eyes at certain people’s comments!

Let it Out and Let it GO! Otherwise you’ll just be a ticking time bomb awaiting either a padded room or a jail cell.