Expectations Schmexpectations

Today I got to thinking about the nature of expectations. We try to send out as much love, respect, care, peace, and honesty into the world- However more often than not disappointment sets in and it stings like salt to an open wound. Perhaps our bar was simply raised too high in our minds and hearts. Perhaps we were told things that filled our heads with dreams of the future only to find out later they were a fallacy. A person’s intention is not always to receive and then in return give back all we have given out. This is something I have endeavored to learn but have not mastered.

* A moment of TMI *

I married my first sexual partner at 22 years of age, so when I left him I experienced what most people get out of their systems in college- “playing the field” so to speak ( I was 27 years old at this time). Since I had only been with one man I never had known how badly it can wound you when the most intimate part of yourself is shared with someone only to later find out their intentions were only to “get some”.

I came to the conclusion after a severely bad breakup recently when I had finally felt that I found a real, honest, caring man. So I fell for him instantly. I was NEVER going to be just another notch on some jerks bedpost. No! I realized that I was worth much more and respected myself much more than that! So after things fell apart I took a very long hiatus of celibacy ( no need to disclose how long But mannnnyyyy months ). While I felt the pain of loneliness since I wasn’t feeling the pleasure of physical contact I became even stronger in my resolve to truly love myself again. Thankfully in these months I have flourished with my goals for my son and his therapies, for me resuming college, and my health. The Mind/Body Connection is no joke. I had been ignoring myself and my passions in order to spend time with my previous love ( realizing now there were many things we didn’t have in common that could have become a real problem if either party was not willing to take an interest in each others interests ) and neglected myself I realize now in retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.

Seeking out love never seems to work. It is just supposed to happen when you least expect it so they say. Yet I had focused so much mental capacity in trying to find someone to potentially have a future with. I reopened my online dating site after my Heart-annihilating breakup ( Yes I make up my own vocabulary sometimes ) and proceeded to connect with a few men; however I didn’t feel the spark. Now don’t get me wrong ( especially if they read this post ) I wanted So badly to make that spark truly happen… They were sweet, we clicked, and I had so many good times. However the feelings I had for them I realized were only a friendship connection not a romantic one. I tried so hard to make myself feel that way but unfortunately you cannot choose who you fall in love with. Someone can be absolutely perfect on paper, outwardly, and inwardly- but that doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. Those utterly amazing butterflies in your stomach are needed. In this past month I have done quite a lot of reflection and truly feel awful for leading these men on since they were such good people. I was too scared to tell them I had realized what I felt, and that what I wanted was only a relationship as friends.

——

*Back on topic*

My expectations were always high…. I crave romance- not just lust or lukewarm love. I want fireworks. Sparks that fly. I want to bond over similar interests, try a plethora of new things together, see the world, and take a million joyous photographs together.

I have coined an epiphany phrase: Communication, Compromise, and Chemistry -The Trifecta of a lasting partnership. I’ve never truly felt all three in any previous relationship. Those darn endorphin/serotonin rushes blocked the red flags since I fall head over feet so quickly. I don’t exactly believe in love at first sight, but I believe in intuition at first sight when you have a date whether it is the first, second, or third that you can indeed start falling in love. I know at the two week mark. To my detriment however since people can conceal their true self ( I did divorce someone who flipped an abusive switch the moment we got back from our honeymoon ) and once I fall in love I am in love. Unshakable, Insatiable, Overpowering love. I swallow a lump *Welp* and say to myself “Uh-oh what have you done setting yourself up to be crushed?! “- since once I have fallen I cannot get back up from my emotional, caring, and loyal nature.

Self-preservation has got to be prevalent and foremost in order to protect ones mind and heart. You Have to take care of You and then the people you love. Especially when it comes to that one special person you have become so vulnerable with bearing your soul to. Being guarded is not what I am proposing but being Aware is. This is the only true way you can properly take care of yourself and be able to take care of others fully without comprising your well-being.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first~

 

Autism Life~ The Best of times and the Worst of times

I never thought I would be fighting this battle…
No scratch that- It is a war since the battle is every day, and differs in nature yet the intended outcome of fighting for progression never changes.
These are the battles of raising a child on the Autism spectrum.

Most of the time I have only glorious things to say with bright beaming eyes that reflect my overflowing heart referring to my sweet son Lincoln. However there are darker days that no autism parent seems to want to talk about… Days where we just spontaneously start sobbing because we want so much for our children to advance yet it seems insurmountably impossible for them to ever catch up to the “normal” ( which I Hate using that word)!
We scream into a pillow when our repeated efforts get ignored and defied without so much as a simple “yes” or “no”. Instead we get screaming thrashing tantrums that a 2 year old would use to express his feelings (since our child has the same verbal skills which there inlies the heartbreak.) The tragic pain of watching our child get picked on verbally or mocked physically with his outward “stims” which either leads to a meltdown of our own to maybe try raising even a minute ounce of awareness or (but never admitted) an excuse to blast how worn out we are shouldering the heavy weight of this disorder.

On the flip side again~ The many joyous times outweigh the bad times.

Parents all too often set exceedingly high expectations for their children and do not notice the everyday achievements. These can be unseen and unacknowledged for the scope of a regular parent. However every new song I hear my son humming or trying to sing with each and every key in sync and perfect rhythm brings tears to my eyes.
After each therapy appointment I am surprised at how much he knows…
the entire alphabet and recognizes it when asked, every shape and color, the ability to multitask at crazy fast speeds with his Ipad and preferred self stimulation of ball bouncing.

It all is a moment where perspective sets in and one can sit back and appreciate these seemingly small things that are enormously huge conquests to us.  Priceless. The price of diapers, wipes, and food thrown away since there is terrible non compliance with these issues does make for a monetarily hefty pricetag! However it’s part of the package.
The catch 22. It takes blood, sweat, and tears to rise above the challenges but oh how beautiful it is here on top getting to see the world from such an elevated vantage point!

The battle of enlightenment

I recently was having a heart-to-heart discussion with Lux (one of my nearest and dearest best friends daughter)…  I saw that she was hanging her head down low and seemed so unexpectedly sad; whereas she is normally bouncing around joyfully living life with no care in the world. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her “friend” said and did awful things to her at school. I heard her explain how cruel this bully was to her – so I asked her why she was still friends with the girl? Of course she was taken aback at my question so I thought for a second then asked another question that seemed totally irrelevant- ” Did you pick out your clothes to wear today?”, “Yes I did”, I said “Sweetheart you Choose who to keep in your life much like how you Chose what to wear this morning!” Her eyes lit up instantly. I broke it down for her with a simple analogy and gave her a new perspective. People who disrespect you do not deserve to be in your life. Period. It took me nearly 30 years to realize that so getting to enlighten her at the age of 6 was just absolutely incredible. My best friend overheard our conversation and told me how amazing of a counselor I’ll be.

There are so many fond memories of heart-to-heart talks with her, teaching her how to paint, listening to music while spinning in my office chair just to name a few. She has taught me so many lessons since I get to view the world through her sweet little eyes. I will admit that it has moved me to tears on several occasions since I don’t get to hear my sons thoughts and have these sorts of special memories with him (they are the same age). Having a child on the ASD spectrum definitely changed my viewpoint forever. Most of the time I am completely grateful for that very reason of having such a changed way to see the world. I see parents telling their kids to shutup and sometimes give them some perspective about how Lucky they are to get to hear their child talk and share their innermost thoughts. What a gift that is! Generally this seems to change their disposition really quick.

Life throws unexpected curve balls quite frequently but how you view it is what makes all the difference. Just like choosing our clothes to wear in the morning we need to choose our own thoughts in such a way- simple but profoundly true. Change your perspective Change your world~

She edited this photo I took of us spinning in my chair and singing. An artist in the making and every chance I get to impart my art with her warms my soul

The day after 30…

Yesterday I turned thirty years old. I put my six year old sweet son on his bus to school (currently a class for low-mid level functional children on the autism spectrum) had my cup of coffee and wrote an obligatory Facebook post about my “special day”.

 Which went as follows:

Goodbye tumultuous twenties 
Hello tranquil thirties 
I suppose I should have some perfectly poignant things to say on reflection – so that being said here’s to ….

The incredible memories 
The incredible disasters 

Times where I made the best of friends 
Times where I cut the worst of friends out 

The love I was supposed to have getting married
The strength I felt in divorcing

The nights that turned into mornings with kindred spirits
The times I thought my stomach would burst from laughing and my heart from overflowing with love

The moments when my photography dreams Finally came true. Getting published , shooting weddings , and all the blessed memories I’ve made for amazing people which thankfully I can say that the vast majority have become great friends

The best treasure ever imaginable was receiving the gift of having my sweet son Lincoln. Becoming a mother makes me regret absolutely nothing since it led me to him and he is worth more to me than Anything else in this world hands down.

———

Still I just cannot stop pondering this past decade. It was filled with so many stories of love lost and gained, near death experiences, new experiences, and immense amounts of pain but joy as well.  Today while having a birthday lunch with a new dear friend Phyllis she read my aforementioned Facebook post and suggested that I start a blog. Her words were ” I promise you I’m not blowing smoke up your butt, you are a great writer”! Since positive peer pressure can be an inadvertent hint towards a new direction I am writing my first post now. I’m unsure if anyone will bother to read it or care, but I realized that it doesn’t matter one way or the other. I have stories to tell that could fill a book (maybe even a trilogy) and perhaps one could touch someone’s life in some small way.  I’m not even sure where to start in all honesty… the turbulent tear-jerking ones or the exuberant heart-warming ones? So for now I am just going to savor this moment and reflect on the fact that despite so many setbacks in life I always manage to come back and land on my feet.  Like a cat with 9 lives I claw and scratch my way back to the top (thankfully I still have a few lives left!)

I wrote that I’ve entered my “tranquil thirties” but now think it should be deemed my “thankful thirties” because I am truly thankful to Finally be wise enough to respect and love myself for exactly who I am today. All those tumultuous experiences refined me since I can now appreciate the lessons learned and be grateful for the perspective.

The future is bright for those that know how to create their own light~