YES more talk about Rape!

My recent posts have primarily been focused on sexual abuse as I adamantly feel that by not speaking out about the topic then we inadvertently are contributing to the dismal lack of awareness on this imperative matter.

Every single horrific experience in my past shaped me into a stronger person as I survived those events despite the wave of devastation they caused. Did you know it is customary procedure for a rape victim to be admitted into a psychiatric ward for the evening after having a rape kit done in order to be on suicide watch? I hadn’t known that- not until I was told by my nurse that they felt I didn’t need to. In fact it was around 4 am when all was said and done at the hospital and my friends that said they would pick me up did not answer their phones unfortunately. So I took a cab home by myself in the early morning darkness back to the scene of the crime- which was my own house. If that doesn’t scream strength then honestly I don’t know what on earth does?!

Here is a chilling excerpt of the “awareness” we have:

“Republican nominee for Senate Richard Mourdock’s recent “misspeaking” is unexceptional. Despite what he may have meant when he said “even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape that… is something God intended to happen,” he is unexceptional.”
A fair reflection of our cultural tolerance, one without party affiliation, for rape and its qualifications— “Legitimate rape” versus non legitimate rape. “Forcible rape” as “stock language,” “lemons from lemonade.” Women “should make the best of a bad situation,” “horribly created gifts from God,” husbands can’t rape their wives, because of science and technology no woman ever needs an abortion, “emergency rape,”women lie about rape legislation, “honest rape,” rape blackmail, “the sodomized virgin” rape, rape is like auto theft. But, again, all of this goes hand-in-hand with Facebook rape pages, Daniel Tosh rape jokes, Reddit rapist threads, music, videos, movies, ad infinitum.”
(retrieved online via http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html)

I realized after 12 years of repressing memories that I had been sexually violated more times than I had even realized! And the scariest part of being in my previous ignorance was an evening when I had a traumatic nightmare painfully revealing that my own ex had raped me several times as I said NO and his response was “That’s MY S**t!” and refused to stop. I have a multitude of stories that I won’t get into right now as my body physiologically responds with redness and flushing heat to my cheeks along with red heated blotchy marks all over my chest with intense panicked tightening. Breathing becomes labored. Faintness upon standing ensues as I just walked to get some water. I always ask myself Why, Why, WHY….? So many brutal questions that I cannot fathom an answer to as I do not fully understand the rhyme or reason to it all….

Bad things happen to good people all the time they say, however that is not a means of comfort in the least bit. I don’t know about other PTSD sufferers but I find it extremely difficult to cry when I think or talk about what has happened to me in my past. Crying is a healthy way provided by nature in order to help you release negative energy from your soul. No matter how hard I try mine seems to grasp on to the pain, and I find myself unable to muster the courage to attempt letting it go.

 Join me in standing up and putting our voices together boldly speaking with heads held high. My intended goal is to help women navigate through this excruciating minefield, and empower them to report these crimes so charges can be pressed! No more Silence! I did even though nothing came to fruition as there was not enough evidence (I was drugged), and then my rapist died before the corroborating witness that finally came forward could get my case reopened. It’s not about vengeance- It’s the deserved right to have justice! No more Victims- let’s become Victors!

Every voice matters- I implore you to awaken yours too!

Karma (ahhh)

They say you cannot truly love someone else until you truly love yourself.
Today I can say with unwavering certainty that I love the woman I have become.

Physically I know I can survive anything as comparing the excruciating process of natural childbirth dwarfs anything else; however emotional pain was/is always an uphill battle like trying to gain control of momentum on a roller coaster. The name of my roller coaster was Husband. The terror of the ride still haunts me. I remember with perfect clarity so many times he stood over me laughing at his own destruction and making a mockery out of my pain. I would be curled up in a ball laying in the fetal position on the floor of our bathroom (the designated spot I chose and went to countless times) crying so hard I would vomit gasping for air barely able to breathe. Eventually 10-30 minutes or so later he’d come in laughing, pull me up on my feet, hug me, and then say a derogatory comment while still laughing condescendingly.

Then, with a smile on his face and amusement in his voice, he’d tear me down even further. It was almost like foreplay for him. He enjoyed it. Sometimes, he would even become sexually aroused, and it sickens me to think of what I unwillingly permitted more often than not to happen.

Looking back now, my own tolerance and permissiveness, sickens me. Why didn’t I leave?! Why did I stay? I tried to bury some of those atrocities deep down inside myself, in an effort to block it out and forget. But I didn’t forget.  His abuse planted seeds of self-hatred and self-doubt so deep in my soul…. seeds that I let him plant and I let grow inside of me. Then drastically grew into an overpowering entity of bitter resentment eating me inside and out. The longer I avoided facing the pain I’d been through, the more overwhelming the bitterness and resentment became. You never forget pain like that.

I realized, I don’t have to avoid it anymore. I can’t.

I do not wish to hate the father of my child and would never wish that upon my worst enemy, but here I was sitting 3 years post divorce letting his cruelty haunt my usually happy demeanor with flashbacks from the past. I have decided to accept what I cannot change and acknowledge my own fault in that I allowed myself to be abused so long without standing up for myself. Most people go into Fight or Flight response but instead I went into a state closely resembling a kicked puppy dog whimpering with a tail in-between it’s legs. I let it happen over and over again. I did allow myself to be demeaned, but Not anymore.

“The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the step that you are taking at this moment. That’s all there ever is.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Today the ongoing battle of custody/child support came to a climactic conclusion. The dreaded court case that made me lose so much sleep and gain so many new grey hairs is now finally over! I was petrified that I would fall to pieces and directly on my face. Not the case in this case however. I held my head up high even while being cross examined by the devil incarnate himself in the courtroom, and ended up winning everything I asked to be paid. Heck- I could have even asked for more and most likely would have been granted it, but I am perfectly content knowing that I finally got a piece of the delicious karmic pie I’ve been desiring to taste for so long now. Like a stranded traveler in the desert starving for water who constantly only saw mirages. Only this time I got to savor it for real and it left such a sweet aftertaste in my mouth.

Every single horrific experience in my past shaped me into a stronger person as I survived each and every single one of those moments even when doubt came to mind if I could withstand it all. Every so often I have those moments of clarity in life where the stars align and I can finally feel an overpowering urge of utter joy bursting at the seams. I want to jump up and down or twirl around dancing today knowing I took action and changed things for the better for my son and I.

My life is exactly where it should be and I am exactly who I should be. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I know myself finally. Who could ask for anything more?

I don’t Need anyone But that doesn’t mean I don’t Want anyone

I try to not ever let my sweet son see me cry…
Currently he is pressed up against me laying across my chest and I’m crying the sort of tears that roll down your face but remain silent. Only the sound of my chest heaving and gasping for small breaths are heard (I mastered this in my previous marriage learning how to cry this way unseen so that I wouldn’t be laughed at, openly mocked, and of course so that my little man wouldn’t see me break down). Today though my back has broken. I awaited his gastrointestinal surgeries with no sleep, no hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on, and only support via Facebook friends after posting a status.

Being back at All Children’s Hospital yet again as I previously have gone for less invasive procedures by myself, but now surgery having him undergo actual anesthesia has shattered me to my very core. It flashed me back to being in this same surgical ward when my nephew was young and had to have a couple surgery’s for a hernia problem. My sister, her husband, his mom, my parents, and I were all there waiting together for this journey. Holding the pager waiting on pins and needles eagerly for the clearance to dash in to recovery with baited breath to see him and make sure our sweet angel was okay. We all sat together biting our nails covered in dread-filled love worrying that something could go wrong. It didn’t thankfully he was just fine. Is that not how it is supposed to be though- family coming together in a time of crisis?
Nope. Not for me. I sat alone in the recovery area before he was brought out and then waited the whole time he was asleep stroking his forehead talking with the post-op nurse.

When I say I had no one I truly had no one. This surgery had been in process for months of being scheduled then rescheduled as to conflicts because I wanted my family, ex-husband, and even his family there too for moral support. I had to cancel last months since it fell on that “2 year mark” of a previously blogged about atrocious traumatic incident that happened to me. Thankfully I was granted a couple days of freedom to embark on a semi grieving stage, so I wasn’t sure if I could even leave him after his recovery; however inquiring if he could be taken care of afterwards without me the answer was a clear resounding NO. I got the green light for the appointment time yesterday and didn’t even bother to message my family again. Every other previous time was filled with excuses and honestly I didn’t feel like being degraded any further begging for a little help. Why should it come to that? Should it not inherently be an unquestioned resounding YES when it comes to a matter of such severity? It’s not just this surgery today- it is all the accumulated weight I have carried these past 5+ years after getting him diagnosed on the autism spectrum having to handle every single thing in that gigantic can of worms on my own. I won’t get into any “woe is me” martyring session here. I have just decided that I don’t think I will ever ask for help again. Not from my family, my ex, his family, or even from my friends. Yes of course we all have busy lives- but when someone I care about is in need of help I literally drop everything to be there if/whenever possible. Apparently expecting others to be there for you through thick and thin when you have been there for them is about as pointless as debating whether the world is flat.

My heart has fallen and shattered into a million pieces and I fear that just like Humpty Dumpty “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” cannot put me back together again.

The definition of Insanity – AGAIN

One would think that a person who was robbed and raped 2 years ago this month would have learned the lesson to not trust so easily. Yet here I remain an anomaly that repeatedly jumps into the frying pan time after time again. Putting your hand on the burner to test the heat is one thing however typically the act is not repeated….

A few weeks ago my “best friend” decided to rob and strip my house clean of everything with material value except for this computer I am typing on currently. All my incredibly expensive camera equipment, wall hangings, DVD players, 100’s of DVD’s, video game player and games, BUT worst of all my sweet son Lincoln’s Ipad (with his autism it has helped him so much to becoming more verbal plus semi easier to control out in public during meltdowns). An autistic child’s Ipad- How sick can one person be?? I had been oblivious and now horribly blind-sided to how much of a drug addict she was.
An unfortunate series of events went on these past few months when All of my prescription medicines would disappear. Stupidly I believed her when she blamed our other friend. Then it was her semi sketchy cousin next month. Then I caught her red-handed the following month but when I confronted her 3 times she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about. I dropped it until the next morning and once again finding all my pills gone… ! This time I took a photo of all that was missing and sent it to her saying “How could you do this to me? I have PTSD for goodness sake?!”. Her reply was an immediate (seemingly) heartfelt response about how incredibly sorry she was since when she gets into that “zombie state” she doesn’t even remember how many pills she takes, and claimed to not remember stealing them even tho I assured her I had confronted her 3 times! “I’m so so sorry, I promise I will make it up to you” she says… And naively I believe her. Did that happen? Of course not.

The ONLY reason I had even let her back into my life after cutting her out for a solid 6 months after the rape was to angrily tell her off since I was shocked that she did not bother returning the repeated phone calls from the State Attorney trying to get ahold of her to corroborate my story. Since I had no memory of that night after being rufied (3 beers does not constitute a mind erase) my testimony was not enough because the grueling rape kit I underwent came back inconclusive…

My body told the story without any words needed from the fingered-tipped bruises all over my legs and arms I was covered in with a deep bruise on my butt. Which I was told later she heard loud noises coming from my bathroom so I can only assume I was pressed against my counter to explain that dark purple bruise. The shower curtain and towel racks were pulled off left on the ground. Piles of my puke covered the floor as well. My guest bathroom had indeed become a crime scene.

The night at the hospital getting that dreaded rape kit done I was thankful to have Christine from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center for those of you that are not aware) come to my room and advocate for me helping me fill out the mountains of paperwork, and the scary stuff like stripping down naked being combed everywhere to collect any sort of DNA. I knew the chances of them finding anything there was slim to none since I do not have very much body hair, and even though I had not showered I did change clothes since mine had vomit stains. My nurse was a very kind woman but nothing like my fellow New Yorker Christine who helped distract me during all the antibiotics, anti-HIV shots injected, along with countless horse pills, and of course intense questioning. We had thought provoking conversations about philosophy, religion, and other topics to keep us entertained- even laughing despite the situation.
However when the moment came finally all prepped and ready for the doctor to come in for the pelvic exam, swabbing, and examination of my vagina the VERY moment his fingers touched me I instantly burst into tears. I hadn’t cried that entire time. The slightest touch from this male doctor (how insensitive in my opinion given the situation- couldn’t they have paged a woman?) sent me into panicked tears making my stomach heave so much that he had to stop momentarily until I could regain my composure. My nurse and advocate held my hands crying themselves and said “That is ALL the proof needed to know that you were raped”- you cannot fake an instant involuntary reaction like that.

Those words still chill me now even writing this.

In a former post about other details of that night I divulged the information that this guy had been a fellow photographer that I was close friends with for 3 years even while I was still married. Never anything romantic between us in the slightest bit. I knew him so well to know that he always had carried a condom in his wallet. So of course my kit came back “inconclusive” or rather an infuriatingly unfair insult to injury. My now ex best friend who just robbed me had told me that her boyfriend who was also there that night began to later tell her details… the heroin they bought with my money, stealing and damaging my new car, things he had done/joined in doing to me, but even more sickening is that he and this other “man” (I use that word with complete condescension) apparently both put me naked in the bath tub still vomiting profusely. The amount all over my living room, all over my bathroom, and bathtub is obviously what saved my life since the drugs were not able to stay in my system permanently- just long enough to completely wipe my memory and make me violently ill.

The silver lining to that is of course that I did not die. However waking up that morning can only be described as awakening in a foreign country with no idea how you got there and no explanation to the million questions whirling around in your head a mile a minute. If you have ever watched the show “The Living Dead” the very first episode the main character wakes up to walk out and see a desolate destroyed incomprehensible world, and that is the exact feeling I felt.

There will be no “Victim’s rights” brochures handed to me by the police again.
There will be justice this time. This I vow to myself.

The Worst 4 letter word: RAPE

Why do we as a society keep brushing off the torturous atrocity of rape under the rug? I have noticed that this word falls into this sad don’t talk don’t tell hush-hush category. I find that appalling. Every time I go to write abuse and rape on my I-phone it auto-corrects it to say abide and tape. Is Apple too afraid to use unpleasant emotionally devastating words? Shame on them. It’s conceptual ideology such as this that guides this generation into hiding an epidemic that everyone is too apprehensive to acknowledge. I find that very sad. Not just being a victim of sexual abuse but as an empathetic soul touched easily by others misfortunes. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states:

Rape – Forced sexual intercourse including both psychological coercion as
well as physical force. Forced sexual intercourse means penetration by the
offender(s). Includes attempted rapes, male as well as female victims, and
both heterosexual and homosexual rape. Attempted rape includes verbal
threats of rape.

Sexual assault – A wide range of victimizations, separate from rape or
attempted rape. These crimes include attacks or attempted attacks generally
involving unwanted sexual contact between victim and offender. Sexual
assaults may or may not involve force and include such things as grabbing or
fondling. It also includes verbal. (retrieved via http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=317)

I realized that I actually have been assaulted and raped before but didn’t process it besides the time in Italy I’ve yet to divulge. MULTIPLE times.
Even last year around this time last year I found myself in a situation where I was pinned down by my wrists and repeatedly penetrated with fingers begging him to stop as he lifted me up effortlessly while laughing dragging me into his bedroom where again my wrists were pinned over my head. “I’m going to rip your panties off…” he said with no emotion again seeming entertained and amused. I finally said besides the countless repeated “NO Stop Please” that I had been raped around this time last year so sex of any kind would be completely off the table and then immediately burst into tears. I sat there on his bed sobbing and shaking. He then realized what an A**hole he had been and let go then offered to hug me!? I said “NO, no thank you” and finally found the strength and courage to bolt out the door.

Unfortunately I have plenty more equally and worse stories than that. That is just the most recent…..
What is wrong with this world? Had that guy (who I had photographed for head-shots that day and thought we were cool enough to hang out afterwards) treated me respectably who knows he might have achieved his goal without assaulting and almost raping me. I can’t even look at the photographs I took of him because I am so repulsed- not just by his actions but also letting myself get into a situation that could have easily landed me back in the hospital getting yet another rape kit done. It is quite sobering.

Do actual men exist that don’t think that abusing women is as much of a normal pastime like baseball or football? I may never know as my guard of course is up now having made SO many mistakes in my little life. Will I ever learn the lesson? YES, yes I do believe I will finally. It has taken me an eternity having been first assaulted and almost raped when I was 18 years old during my dream vacation of backpacking Italy. Sad to think that experience pales in comparison to what I have been through now.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…. Well I have to wonder if who said that actually went through any trial tantamount to paralyzing ones such as these.

Let it be…

Sentimentality…. Oh what a double edged sword you are. On the one hand taking a stroll down memory lane promotes smiles, belly laughs, and a sense of joy from familiar memories. However the flip side of that coin is seeing pictures of yourself remembering how you were faking that smile and vividly can see the pain in your eyes. Or seeing photographs where a series of events play out that led to an eventual disastrous course- the look of joy and happiness in your eyes was real; yet it was soon to be replaced with sorrow.

Friends lost and gained…
Lovers lost and gained…
Jobs, aspirations, marriages, pregnancies, and *fill in the blank of something meaningful to you*
Lost and possibly never regained…

It is all there on your Facebook for a nice emotionally cutting experience.
Why do I/we do it? I know that I have always been the nostalgic scrap-booking kind of gal who enjoys remembering days and evenings that burst and overflowed with laughter and adventures. Even when I was younger I would keep every little momento- down to my first reciprocated loves guitar pic he had flung at me during a “jam session”. The bad times of getting over him passed by long ago, and we actually maintained a friendship that when we talk we end up being on the phone 3-4 hours. Then there’s all my Italy photographs I am able to look at now and only see the beauty (not all the near death stuff) instead of being too afraid scared that all the traumatic scars will reopen.
I am still actively working on getting the pain from my ex-husbands abuse gone (including cheating on me with the teenage girl he recently married) after realizing recently that I am not 100% over it all. These instances however of having my home and body robbed are something that I just currently have no hope of ever being capable of letting go. The pain intensifies and resurfaces frequently and just trying to shove it down and ignore is like putting a band-aid on a bullet-hole wound.

Let it go… those words roll off the tongue so easily from someone who either has no capacity to emphasize or has no one to relate the situation to personally. I would not/could not ever wish this pain upon anyone else- I just wish there was more compassion and less judgement especially when ignorance is the only foundation for no awareness.

I am not afraid to speak now….

Time heals all wounds… Well when?!

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
-Rose Kennedy

I have to share her sentiment as unfortunately I cannot shake these godawful wounds from having been robbed recently, and now this coming Thursday is when it will be the 2 year mark from when I was robbed and raped. It’s not about the tangible items that were stolen- it’s the part of my soul that feels it can never recover. I was violated in every meaning of the word. By people I trusted. How can I not feel to blame for being so naive to let myself get blindsided? I asked my ex-husband to take our son next Thursday so I can try my best to do some nice things for myself and stay busy so I can desperately try to keep my mind off of the tragedy. His response was “What are you going to make an anniversary out of it?!” laughing at me to my face. I said to him it’s called PTSD have you ever heard of it, plus what if this had happened to someone you actually still loved would you be so callous and have such unemphatic attitude …? His reply was less than cordial.

The wounds from 2 years ago are re-opened even further having recently been victimized. I despise how when you receive your police report and case number you are referred to as a Victim on tangible paper in your face and given information on your Victim’s rights. It’s like an extra jab into your already broken back and heart.

Sometimes I fear that I will never be able to let go of all my traumatic experiences…. Being attacked, nearly killed, and abandoned in Italy, my ex-husband who was abusive constantly but actually hit me for the first time when I was pregnant, and of course the robberies ESPECIALLY the rape. I was never able to press charges on my rapist because I had no corroborating witness since I was rufied, and then he died months ago. That is not justice. I wanted him to pay for what he had stripped me of literally and figuratively speaking.
I have tried everything… counseling, yoga, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medicines, positive reading, But it just isn’t cutting it. Hypnotherapy or Electric shock therapy sounds enticing at this point. This affliction can be debilitating to say the least, and I feel so much that NO one understands. No one that I know of has been through trauma like I have, so I feel absolutely lost most days and find myself just looking for ways to mask it.

Anyone remotely familiar with PTSD knows that anytime someone experiences a “trigger” they can be brought back to that place of horror instantaneously. Oh how I wish I could erase all of this from my psyche like the quote from Alexander Pope:

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d”

Perchance to dream. In the meantime I have no other choice than to take care of my sweet autistic son and eagerly await next week when I possibly will have 3 days to myself instead of the normal 1 & 1/2 day per week of freedom. Tie a rope and hold on right….?

The fear is back…

This weekend I became another victim of crime and I am in disarray still. This flooded back the moment when I was robbed/raped 2 years ago next month and the wave of shock and sadness. Thankfully this time my son wasn’t looking up over me smiling since that night they put me in his bed naked after everything violating that was done to me.
I will never forget that chilling moment. Never. It is burned into my nightmares.
Today however I have to deal with the realization that all the material goods I had saved and made payments for years to own for myself were now all gone. And my “best friend” was the one who did this beyond evil stab in my back. Ironically she was involved in that above mentioned atrocious incident. Having PTSD makes this even worse than an average person who just had their world turned upside down. I say that with no judgement, however this brings back all those horrific experiences like they happened last week. I would do anything to erase those memories from my head and heart. Sometimes I see people that have no defined mental illness and I think that it is unfair that I live with the fear everyday in the back of my head of something triggering my past and then the chance that I could spiral out of control into a dark place again. I’m not sure if I gravitate towards people that will abuse/use me subconciously, or there are just too many deceitful people out there in this world looking for the next person to victimize.

12 years ago a different former “best friend” abandoned me in a foreign country, laughing when I told her I was sexually assaulted, and left me for dead way too many times to count where easily I could have been killed. The coping mechanism I learned then was to eat. Not normal eating but eating for a family of 4 uncontrollably. You might read this and say “Yeah right” but that is how my brain short circuited. It was an addiction created in order to mask the traumatic feelings I could not deal with. To this day I still grapple with it… I’ve thought about going to Over-eaters Anonymous but have been too scared and I’m not sure why…. Maybe I don’t want to be labeled publicly. I am not obese by any means but just have body/self esteem issues, so maybe am afraid of being judged like “what the hell does this small girl know about it?!”, or maybe I am just too afraid that by telling my stories it will make my issues even worse. Now again for those of you who may not understand this- it is not something you can just easily say “Oh I’m full so I’ll stop eating”. No you eat for an hour straight to the point where your stomach is distended. The worst part about it is that I never had these issues until all those tragic things in Italy. I was a “normal” 18 year old girl that loved her hobbies, friends, had a craving for living life to the fullest, and loved being outside active in any way shape or form! However afterwards I would find myself hiding in my cave, not wanting to leave my room, even hiding my food (much like a drug addict hides their drugs), and trying to fake it when in public until I was alone at home “free” to let this overpower me.

I once discussed this with someone who is in Narcotics Anonymous- and when I described the cycle of how it completely consumes your life he understood that my issues were one in the same. It made me realize that virtually anything can become an addiction- food, alcohol, drugs, sex, and even working out too. Anything you cannot control in moderation is a red flag that you need to potentially seek counseling so you can catch it before it falls so to speak.

I am a photographer so having my at least $6000 worth of equipment stolen (that took me 4 years to acquire) hurt immensely, But the absolute worst was my son’s Ipad since he LOVES that thing to death. Honestly I would have rather been physically assaulted than knowing that both of the things that my son and I love the most were taken away. I was never able to press charges against my rapist so this time with this crime I want justice! I will stand up and fight because anything to do with my son brings out the “mommy claws”! He cannot speak so I will advocate for him so hopefully he at least can get his prized possession back. I will not be silenced this time by the previous failed efforts of the judicial system- No I have to succeed at pressing charges this time because I am not going to allow myself to sink down into a deep dark hole ever again. I will choose to live our lives to the absolute fullest at whatever the cost!

Italy knows best

My favorite place in the world is anywhere in Italy. Every chance I get I reference how magical it felt being there, and so I squeeze it into conversation. Well my admiration and affection for this country grew even stronger after seeing this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2OcKQ_mbiQ. An Italian director made a short film asking boys ranging in age from 7-12 to answer questions on various subjects, but then requested actions that inevitably is the focal point of the documentary. “Slap her” they say. “Slap her”. Even after repeated attempts of persuasion the boys adamently refused. Some looked shocked, confused, and even indignant. “NO” was the resounding answer across the board. It didn’t take more than 2 seconds for an affirmative declaration that violence against women is wrong. Here these children know more than grown “men” the fact that practicing abuse in any form towards women is despicable.
What does Italy know that America does not?

According to a 2013 review of available data “35 per cent of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence. However, some national violence studies show that up to 70 per cent of women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime from an intimate partner.” For the full article read: http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/facts-and-figures#sthash.sMUUJBA3.dpuf). Also the article: World Health Organization, Global and Regional Estimates of Violence against Women, http://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/10665/85239/1/9789241564625_eng.pdf,. I find these facts so bitterly saddening. Since I am a victim of domestic and sexual abuse my stomach churns thinking that these numbers are not even accurate as so many women are afraid to come forward. Afraid of the consequences and the social stigma. When I had my rape kit done I was told that one had not been performed in 10 years. That left me disconsolately sorrowful wondering how many women did not come forward and report the abuse since trust me going through that grueling experience was grievous to say the least.

The days of wholesome values seem to have evaporated into a wave of accepted cruelty. The media portrays role models with absolutely no morals or integrity; i.e. musician Chris Brown who beat up girlfriend Rihanna yet still sells his CD’s left and right. NFL star quarterback Michael Vick and three of his associates operated “Bad Newz Kennels,” which housed and trained over 50 pit bull dogs, staged dog fights, dog killing, and they ran a high stakes gambling ring. Convicted of federal and state charges related to illegal dog-fighting; however he remains a star playing in the public eye where idolizing sports figures is dominant in our culture. The connotations examples like these showcase to our children is an appalling impression to ponder. No more “Leave it to Beaver” or “The Waltons” portrayed on TV. Instead we have shows like “Family Guy” where one of the main characters constantly schemes to murder his mother, bestiality, alcoholism, and prevalent violence subconsciously is promoted by the acceptance of this behavior. Sadly this is the horrific and sickening version of society we live in now.

The shame game

Today I had a long discussion with my Mom (who I previously mentioned is my best friend) and I’m lucky because some kids are cut off completely from contact because of deciding to leave the religion or (egads!) getting into any trouble (the religion forbids it). You would think the friends you’ve known since childhood would or rather should stay in your life so as to help/support you! That is not the case 9 times out of 10 however. Shunning I believe to be despicable, and even parents and siblings are forced to with the threat that they will be publicly punished/humiliated for breaking their rules.
Hmm… Didn’t Jesus preach forgiveness all the time? Talking to harlots and tax collectors when elsewhere the Bible says to not even look such sinners in the eyes… Hmm

I ended up getting into semantics of why she believes how she does and try sharing my opinions on such matters. For example: Lot having sex with his daughters- that was fine and dandy never addressed with God- however condoning homosexuals to die is one of the most heinous doctrines contrived from the interpretation of scripture that we supposedly should adapt into our psyches? I said to her that I believe in karma and everyone I know that shares my faith truly does try to do a good deed whenever possible. Whether it’s thinking to pay for someone’s coffee, donating whenever possible to causes when asked, tipping well, and buying something from a homeless man to support his endeavors (who knows those palm frond flower creations I bought may have given them enough money to get their own booth in an art show…?) *scoff scoff* from her- so I posed the question “Karma is more or less the same principle as the teaching by Jesus of “The Golden Rule” so how many Christians do you think always follow that whenever possible…?”- Silence. I said to her that my personal favorite small piece of positive karma is finding someone once a day to compliment- Especially someone who looks upset. You would be surprised how quickly their face lights up! That makes me happy to impart some positivity out there even if it may seem trivial to some. It’s free and it’s powerful. I urge you to try it since smiles are contagious after all.

Unfortunately the old premise of DON’T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT RELIGION OR POLITICS still rings true. In an age of ever shifting equality this makes me incredibly sad to think about. Walls were instantly put up even though I repeatedly said “I’m not saying that I am right and you are wrong” probably about 20 times to try dismantling the bomb I set off.
However this particular day I noticed a shift in myself to not “pussy out” and actually state my feelings clear and for the record. Leaving a religion that is so cult-like is an incredibly difficult task in itself; but asserting your opinions is even worse as they talk down to you claiming that you are going to die at Armageddon. Sad. That’s the only straw you have to grasp onto… That your “loving” God (who is also quoted to be a “jealous God”, isn’t that a weak human trait?) will deem you wicked and have you eternally dead while your family lives on in paradise forever…? Cruel mind control much…?

I get exasperated to say the least when I think about all my regrets on the matter. Previously stated on one post I described the fact that I earned my high school diploma @15 years of age and if I had started college then I would have a Phd. instead of working on my associates now @30 years old. But I am making a conscious effort to let go of the many pains, past and present, from my little life.
All I want is to be the best person I can as a mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend/eventual wife, and humanitarian as I can be. One of my favorite books is called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Rodriguez- I beg of you to read this. It was the first book that cracked my brainwashed head open and made me finally realize the fact that I do have the power to change anything in my life; However scary it may be it is worth persevering for. Here is one of my favorite thought provoking quotes from his book: “Humans are born in truth, but we grow up believing in lies. one of the biggest lies in the story of humanity is the lie of our imperfection.”
 Before the world indoctrinated us we had an empty canvas free to be happy and color as we choose. However we allow ourselves by other people’s opinions to make agreements in our minds and souls that are not necessarily accurate. Every time you prove that old replaying negative tape in your head is indeed a fallacy you discover emotional space for altruism. Choose to as Albert Einstein references do the same thing over and over again expect different results, or you choose to change your thoughts which lead to behaviors which lead to habits.

I say we stand up for ourselves! Be your own hero! Stop looking for someone else to ride in on a white horse and save you! No be your own victor – The taste of personal conquest will be much sweeter than anything else in the entire world.

Food for Thought~