Settling is an Unsettling word

Lately I’ve been questioning everything trying desperately to determine where my stance is on a multitude of subjects. To no avail and much to my disarray.

Romance has especially been on my mind as I have not been in a defined relationship since the boyfriend I had right after my divorce was final 4 years ago. Everything since has been “casual”, but I’m starting to rethink this whole entire process. Are there really ever no strings attached since we are not labeling our relationships or are we just closing our eyes so we can ignore the cold hard facts that we are indeed sharing a part of our souls with another that we cannot ever get back?

It is so much safer to not set clear perimeters that way there are no expectations, but that doesn’t assure that there still won’t be disappointment. Actual relationships or these “quasi relationships” hurt you the same exact way. Just perhaps the intensity is not at the same level of severity thereby having the propensity for emotional devastation. The seemingly less sharp end of the double edged sword. The safer of the two options.
It’s easier to put yourself out there knowing you have a “Get Out of Jail Free” card stuck in your back pocket since you are not “technically” together.

Time and time again I have heard the same pathetic line of “I’m not ready for a real relationship right now”…. Well who is? No one can sit there and say “Why yes I have determined at this very moment that I am indeed ready for monogamy!” and proceed to go out immediately and date someone with the intent of marriage. It’s like having a baby- you can either think you are or think you are not ready but ultimately it just happens, and it happens purely on its own time-frame and agenda.

Like the great John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans”.

It’s like craving sugar but not allowing yourself to enjoy it, so instead you only consume artificial sweetener in an effort to trick the subconscious into believing we have gotten what we wanted.
But it’s not what we actually want…
However most do not want to admit that.
Ignorance is bliss~ after all!

I’ve had quite a few options in these past few months where men wanted to be serious with me but for one reason or the other I ran the other direction…?! Sometimes it was big red flags that I determined to refuse ignoring (things I saw in my previous abusive relationships where a controlling nature was the first sign), or feelings of a more platonic nature instead of romantic. Although I do have to wonder if perhaps I pushed myself away from these seemingly great guys since I am not actually ready. My insanely busy life with college resuming, my sweet autistic son that I am raising/have raised pretty much entirely on my own (even when I was married), and the fact I developed such a thick independent skin from all the traumatic things that happened to me.

The walls I constructed were done in order for protection to keep me from potentially landing myself back into a boat unequipped with a life-saver so that I will Never drown again just like in my past. Thankfully I was able to abandon that ship and safely rescue myself. Call me crazy I am not looking for some “Knight in Shining Armor” to sweep in and think he is “Fixing” me and my sometimes chaotic filled life because Let’s face it:
Life is never that easy. Life is never going to be 100% great all the time Sorry! After all marriage vows they do not say “Through Good times Only”- No the line is “Through Good times AND Bad times”. And yes I’ll admit that my life is not always perfect. It’s chock full of a LOT of sacrifices and plenty of hardships that I’ve endured, But you know what…?
This life is MINE!

I took it for myself leaving an atrocious situation and surviving that also plenty of others to come in the future. I DID!
With that came feelings of Strength but then also Fear.

Fear to let someone fully into my heart and life as what I am most fearful of (and rarely even speak of) is that I will end up with another abusive man and let him consistently steal my sunshine again.
No doubt you’ve heard the expression “Don’t let anyone Dull your Sparkle”- and that is what happened to me. I became so entrenched in trying to be the “perfect wife” so I wouldn’t be screamed at within an inch from my face and intimidated by the wall being punched by my face. I tried. I did. I was hit and abused in other ways daily. But then I just stopped trying. I wanted to push him away because every time I would get strong and believe in myself he Hated that and would look for ways to tear me back down so that he could better manipulate and then throw me to the ground.

It has taken a long time to gain that perspective, but it is indeed a precious gem that once discovered you do not ever want to lose again!
So very precious and earned-  to learn and know that you Do indeed deserve happiness. It can be very hard to comprehend at first since victims of abuse are generally left beaten and feel in shambles until we start the climb up from the ground.

Oh how very beautiful the view is so once you reach the top!

Love Lost/Love Gained

You always hear the expression that “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”, but I sorely disagreed with that sentiment over the years. My accumulation of former love that dissolved due to lying, cheating, and every form of abuse caused my heart to ache. Lamenting was a more accurate description of my feelings over the topic of love lost.

Making pro/con lists while in the throughs of despair can help you either decide to end the relationship or prove later why it was deemed for failure. I did this with the last disillusion of the 3 loves I’ve had in my little life, but seemed to have trouble since my mind would still be jogged occasionally with reminders of when things were actually good….

What was supposed to be….
All the dreams we shared. The memories. The inside jokes.

However I realized how unhealthy this was, and detrimentally was feeding the “pain body” as Eckhart Tolle calls it. Which is more or less keeping negativity alive that clouds your soul, and leaves very little space for positive energy. No one wants to have a trail of dirt float behind them like the Peanuts character “Pig-Pen”!

Holding onto the past allows retainment of now irrelevant information, and leaves no room for the present and the future.
I call it “Emotional Cutting” whenever I do that as it serves no purpose other than to cut me down. When you clean out the emotional clutter then there is room for better positive people carrying new positive energy into your life!

It’s like the quote: “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

Live in the Now and Let it go- that is what takes real strength.

Momentum won’t happen if you don’t pedal!

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar-

Time to get in the shower people! I thought about that simple concept today after exercising and of course going from presentable to downright grungy in under a half hour. Luckily change can be constant if you work at perpetuating healthy habits and cycles, but you Have to do it daily!
Use it or lose it they say- and when it comes to anything important to you whether it’s keeping up a desired goal weight, having healthy relationships, and the above quote reference that even our basic hygiene needs maintenance. Our cars need routine maintenance don’t they? How much more so do our bodies and minds need a check up then since after all we cannot trade in for a newer model if we break down. No warranties. No guarantees. We shouldn’t expect any given rights in this mad world we live in today.

Daily affirmations work because negative connotations can become predicated in us so easily. In the dictionary the word predicate is defined as: Logic. That which is affirmed or denied concerning the subject of a proposition. So are we going to affirm logic that is beneficial or deny ourselves the daily joys that life has to offer…? 

I‘ve always been a #quoteJunkie keeping positive mantra magnets all over my refrigerator, wearing jewelry with inspirational words inscribed on them, and even taping up photos on my bathroom mirror so that way every time I pass by I see fond memories and moments of confidence from my life.
And you know what? Little things like this really help me keep a better outlook and serve it’s purpose as a reality check!

It can be so easy to forget and let necessary things fall by the wayside when life’s pressures start to squeeze. That’s when constant reminders such as a seemingly simple quote can easily flip a switch like cartoon characters that get an idea and a light bulb flashes up over their heads. Simplistic methods such as these can serve as powerful reminders in order to press the refresh button in our minds browser. Even Google Chrome needs a re-boot every now and then! Only You can choose which programming option to use- So choose wisely!

 

Liar Liar pants on Fire…

Call me crazy if you would like but I just don’t understand why people cheat…
If you are not happy in the relationship and start desiring other people then just end things!
Clearly the relationship is either dysfunctional or not meeting your needs/desires. It’s the obvious beginning of the end so why not just pull the band-aid off in one swift motion instead of a painstakingly slow process that makes it hurt more…?

I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that a large percentage of us have been cheated on at least once in our lives (I know I have) and know firsthand how badly it stings and the wounds that leave an aftershock behind like a tsunami after an earthquake. Let’s face it we ALL have baggage in one way or another. That is why the phrase was coined to “find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack”. However call me crazy again if you would like, but I feel that it’s better to be alone than to be with someone and feel alone.

Life is so complicated sometimes…
You’re up
You’re down
You trust, love, and care
Hoping, expecting, and dreaming that this treatment will be returned only to realize all too often that you indeed set yourself up to experience major heartbreak (or heart-annihilation as I like to create my own terminology).
This game called love- it is quite the crazy little one it seems. How many epic love ballads are there on the radio from decades past and present music now? Would there even be half as many songs created if love was not used as a lyrical foundation? But the real meaty question I ponder sometimes if ultimately it’s just an ego stroke or a way of amusement for some. Picking up someone’s heart like a proverbial shiny new toy and then discarding it once the next perceived better one comes on the market.

People who have intentions such as this are like cancer. You get the initial diagnosis. Then remove the tumor with surgery so it’s cut out, but draining chemotherapy to fix this life or death situation is oftentimes still needed. A proactive cleansing so to speak. Maintenance is also necessary in order to ensure one’s long term health.
Scars are left but only should serve the purpose of showing us where we have been. They do not and should not dictate where we are going. Learning to have faith and hope in love again is no easy process by any means after we have endured such pain, but we must enter the future with a clean slate if we want a shot at Real love.

I do believe it is truly out there for me and everyone else too. It’s just waiting for the moment you have progressed to a state of health, stability, self-love, and have developed independence knowing you don’t Need anyone to create your happiness because you know how to make it yourself. It’s liberating and amazing to free yourself from that emotional prison since you are the one possessing the key, so it cannot be taken away unless you entrust someone to hold it. Once you have gotten to that point you know what else they say- that it is only when you least expect and stop seeking love out that it then proceeds to falls into your lap. “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” John Lennon said. I’ll leave with a lesser known quote by him that I love:

 “You don’t need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!”

What if…? A dangerous question

It seems that eventually in life we encounter an inevitable fork in one of the many crossroads we face as adults, and suddenly find ourselves caught up in a whirlwind trying to determine which way to proceed. Choosing one person to date instead of another, whether or not to get married, which house to buy, and heck even where to eat dinner! All of those things have the potential to be disastrous unfortunately- the chosen relationship turns toxic and chances are that someone much better for you passed by, you inadvertently bought a “money pit” of a house or worse yet end up a victim of crime there, and the chance of food poisoning is always prevalent eating out too! Not necessarily meant to be negative connotations here- just little reminders that we do not even realize most of the time how our choices come with either good or bad consequences. Had we chosen “left” instead of “right” or “A” instead of “B” then obviously there would have been a different outcome.

The point however is that we will drive ourselves mad pondering all the “What if’s”. It can be quite the slippery slope. To illustrate: a little bit of alcohol, bacon, red meat, or sugar is just fine but too much will cause your body to break down in a multitude of diseases. The same would become of our heart, mind, and soul if we were to indulge excessively in this behavior. Moderation is the most easily disregarded implement we can have in our tool-belt.
Asking ourselves thought-provoking questions about our past can indeed be healthy and beneficial for obtaining enlightenment and growth, but again an over-sized portion will have an unhealthy opposite effect. I think of it as corrosion of our spirit, and just like how the batteries in our vehicles need check-ups and replacements we too need these reality checks in order to maintain the power inside ourselves. I love Wikipedia (I have an app that gives me daily info and am a happy little nerd with each post) so I looked up the definition of this commonly known phrase:

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions is a proverb or aphorism. An alternative form is “hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works“.

How much hidden truth is in that second meaning? We can create hell or heaven for ourselves with our actions and our choices alone. The blame game serves no purpose for attaining personal growth. If we humbly accept our mistakes then we are laying the first brick down on the path of altruism. This path has many twists and turns so learning from our past transgressions and changing our course NOW is the surest way to secure safer and happier future steps.
Why not start now? What have you got to lose besides emotional clutter inside that can be cleaned up spic and span and cleared out to make space for blissfully happy new experiences. Here is a quote from Buddha that I love:

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

Thoughts become beliefs, beliefs become behaviors, and then ultimately become the actions we take in all of our decisions to follow. I say pull out the weeds and make room for planting beautiful seeds that will unquestionably bring fulfilling satisfaction and the upmost content imaginable.

My Rose-colored glasses may have Cracks- But I’m still wearing them

When did caring become such an undesirable quality?

It appears that kindness is oftentimes portrayed more to be weakness in this day and age instead of a cherished endearing quality. We were all born with a clean slate after all, so I believe that we are capable of this natural propensity. However when life throws unavoidable curve-balls sometimes an unnatural shift or learned coping behavior sets in to safeguard ourselves. So many people can reach a horrific point of being shut off completely. Is this a subconscious or unconscious choice as a way of self preservation? I often ponder that thought….

After recent discussions with friends and family who are so closed off and frequently chastise me for being so open it just hurts my heart immensely. Especially seeing plenty of humanity fall into this abhorrent trap of negativity. Albeit certain circumstances happen beyond our control such as: child or adulthood abuse, addiction, death, natural disasters, terrorism, and many other countless tragedies that happen every day. Instead of rising up against the surmounting obstacles it certainly is easier to wallow in despair (as I most certainly have done in the past and still struggle with when one or all of the balls in this juggling act I call life fall), and despite our best actions we may feel that we cannot recover.

Our hearts can become hardened much like how trans fats clog up our arteries- thus preventing life supporting blood we desperately need flowing throughout our bodies in order to maintain physical well-being. The waiting list for ailing hearts to receive life-saving transplant surgery is far too long and unfortunately not enough donors can reach debilitated ones in time. If healthy steps are not taken on our part to change then we could find ourselves rapidly deteriorating.

Philosophically speaking I want to be a child again…. carefree, unabashed to society, and joy-filled. Happiest over the tiniest of things because we inherently know who we are before we are told who to be.
The question begs to be asked then at what age does this unfavorably set in? High school, puberty, or even elementary school for particularly shy tykes (like myself)? Flash forward to adulthood and now the world beats its deafening indoctrination into us on a daily basis. Sinking it deeper and deeper into our psyche and most times we are not even aware of it.

Why shouldn’t we be allowed to follow the song in our hearts? March to our own drum beats? Dream our dreams and not be afraid to follow them to fruition or to failure? Thankfully my sweet son has shown me quite simply how joyful it is acknowledging the small wonders of life.
Appreciatively he reminds me daily of just how awesome it is to have the chance to act like a kid again! When you are a child you just do things because they feel good. Dancing, singing, swinging, jumping into puddles, and playing with our imaginations endlessly to name just a few! No judgement- No guilt – No shame or embarrassment. It reminds me of the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and the heart of the child”.

Look up at the sky every day. Notice the cloud variations, the sunrises and sunsets, or if you can visit the beach at night watch the stars light up that beautiful canvas- if you are lucky enough perhaps you may just catch a heat lightning storm dancing on display. If you don’t “Stop and smell the Roses” you are missing out on an indescribable monetary free amount of wealth for your soul. It is your choice and yours alone- Change your thoughts Change your world. So much happiness and fulfillment can be missed if instead of having on these seemingly silly rose colored glasses we are viewing the world through thick dark shades completely hiding the windows of our souls. If we only get one life I want to make sure that every day mine is filled with acknowledgement of beauty and appreciation. The gift of life is not a given right, and after all it’s called the Presence which is a wonderful reminder that life is indeed a Present!

One of our absolute favorite pastimes – Running along the beach to watch the sunset. He never seems to stop running or grinning and giggling!! He gets that from his Mama

Is Honesty truly the best policy?

In this game of life (as with the actual game of poker) I put my cards all out on the table concealing nothing thereby having absolutely no poker face. Not exactly a strategic method of living. In fact it works to my own detriment more often than I would like to admit. I’ve been told by my best friends to not do this in future relationships (especially with the opposite sex) but are you supposed to just mask your true self in order to blend in with society or eventually find a partner? NO! How could that be?! Honesty is the fundamental basis for any real relationship- professionally, platonically, and romantically. Without trust there is nothing. Yes I may get taken advantage of frequently getting used/abused and speak too open/honestly when it would be easier to omit things. I have tolerated a lot from people I loved and I thought loved me only to constantly find my heart broken and left in pieces. But I believe a person is only as good as their word and actions that follow from their words. Call me an idealist, incredibly naive, or permanently clad in rose-colored glasses but I wouldn’t change myself for the world. Not having a heart would be a far worse fate than having one that constantly needs surgery to mend the lacerations.

It seems nowadays that it is much easier to not care because it is safer being tucked behind the walls you make for yourself. When I meet people so closed off I always picture their heart as looking like a castle surrounded by a moat. The actual definition of a moat via my beloved handy dictionary app reads as follows: a deep, wide ditch that is usually filled with water and that goes around the walls of a place (such as a castle) to protect it from being attacked. Choosing to live in a state of constant offense expecting to go into defense at any time…? No thank you! Yes I know I care and divulge too much but I would rather have an overflowing heart than one that is stopped up and unable to outpour. What a different world we would live in if more people adapted this seemingly odd way of thinking…

Can we not start a movement to encourage this shift? It might not be the easiest road to travel at first, but trust me it certainly has the most incredible views and rewarding experiences! John Lennon said it best – “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.”

Yes INDEED!

*Check out #30DOT

Let it be…

Sentimentality…. Oh what a double edged sword you are. On the one hand taking a stroll down memory lane promotes smiles, belly laughs, and a sense of joy from familiar memories. However the flip side of that coin is seeing pictures of yourself remembering how you were faking that smile and vividly can see the pain in your eyes. Or seeing photographs where a series of events play out that led to an eventual disastrous course- the look of joy and happiness in your eyes was real; yet it was soon to be replaced with sorrow.

Friends lost and gained…
Lovers lost and gained…
Jobs, aspirations, marriages, pregnancies, and *fill in the blank of something meaningful to you*
Lost and possibly never regained…

It is all there on your Facebook for a nice emotionally cutting experience.
Why do I/we do it? I know that I have always been the nostalgic scrap-booking kind of gal who enjoys remembering days and evenings that burst and overflowed with laughter and adventures. Even when I was younger I would keep every little momento- down to my first reciprocated loves guitar pic he had flung at me during a “jam session”. The bad times of getting over him passed by long ago, and we actually maintained a friendship that when we talk we end up being on the phone 3-4 hours. Then there’s all my Italy photographs I am able to look at now and only see the beauty (not all the near death stuff) instead of being too afraid scared that all the traumatic scars will reopen.
I am still actively working on getting the pain from my ex-husbands abuse gone (including cheating on me with the teenage girl he recently married) after realizing recently that I am not 100% over it all. These instances however of having my home and body robbed are something that I just currently have no hope of ever being capable of letting go. The pain intensifies and resurfaces frequently and just trying to shove it down and ignore is like putting a band-aid on a bullet-hole wound.

Let it go… those words roll off the tongue so easily from someone who either has no capacity to emphasize or has no one to relate the situation to personally. I would not/could not ever wish this pain upon anyone else- I just wish there was more compassion and less judgement especially when ignorance is the only foundation for no awareness.

I am not afraid to speak now….

Hopeless but still Hopeful

One of my super close friends Meghan recently described me to a friend of hers as being ” in love with love “, and while at first I was mildly offended I realized that she is indeed right. I love being in love. Love makes the world go round does it not? However all too often it is a merry-go-round that spins so hard and fast that it flails me off falling to the ground. I am always wanting to find love in any way shape or form whether it be romantic or just as a loving caring friendship. However sometimes it seems to be a losing battle. Some people are just truly not worthy of your love and will never be. Ever.

I firmly believe that if someone is willing to let you potentially slip through their fingers knowing full well that someone could easily swoop in and lock you down then they simply do not deserve you. Plain and simple. Maybe they are just not that into you, have commitment issues, or are just downright selfish lovers who immaturely take and do not give in return. I read a self help article once that gave me the insight that if you are not having contact every day and not getting that Saturday night date then he is giving it someone else; i.e. you are their back-burner. No one ever wrote a song or a screenplay over being someone’s second option. Ultimately though you were taught valuable lessons if you are aware enough to uncover them. For instance a red flag previously unnoticed will now shake you back to reality instantly if you see it resurface again in your next relationship. It brings you closer to realizing what you truly want in someone romantically But more importantly what you deserve!

After all my debilitating breakups once the initial wave of sadness and grief washed away I was able to clearly see the areas that were lacking. Like my rebound boyfriend right after my divorce… yes we had chemistry, an instant friendship, and would lay in bed laughing together at our own dumb jokes for hours upon hours. However I saw things that I knew were deal-breakers. I ignored them as long as possible… putting out hints and suggestions on how to tweak things. For instance his zero interaction with my son. When I finally ballsed up to tell him how much it hurt me that absolutely no effort was being made on his part his reply was ” He’s autistic what do you expect me to do?! ” Wrong answer. You ASK me – it’s not rocket science here. He is not an alien or a rabid dog you should be afraid of. That ultimately was the biggest factor for me in falling out of love, although there were so many other contributing factors like his lack of motivation, ambition, drive, and pride in work. He was a trust-fund baby who only wanted to smoke up and play Halo all day…. Yeah not so much. Anyways after that went to hell in a handbag I realized just how much I desired a Real man. How much integrity, work ethic, inner drive, and having a zest for learning, life, and nature truly matter to me in a partner.

I‘ve never had True partner. That’s something I’ve always longed for. Yeah I had boyfriends and a husband but never had a true partner. Someone who would be there to relish in the wonderful days but support me during the worst days. Someone who would build me up instead of tearing me down on every occasion possible. Someone who would invest as much into me as I would them. A partner in crime so to speak. Their interests interested me and it should be vice-versa.

Compromise, Communication, and Chemistry- these are the three components necessary to have a solid foundation in a lasting relationship.

After every failed relationship I realized in time that I am not a failure but rather the choices I made in choosing them was the fail. Recently I gave a suitor ( let’s call him “D” ) a shot at my heart after many months of chatting. I’m proud of myself for taking a leap of faith however it ended up being a leap into a pile of crap. I tried to not have expectations but of course I couldn’t help but have them. Which immediately were let down when our first kiss was a peck in the street while walking to dinner…. Wow how very romantic *dripping with sarcasm*, was that supposed to woo me with romance and future sentimentality? Zero effort and Zero warm fuzzy tingly feelings. I cannot even remember how many times I excitedly would talk about how much I wanted to try some new and exciting things- like Grand Prix go-karts, para-sailing, rides on a beachfront amusement park… Did we even go once? No. It was just eat, drink, and be merry swimming in a waist high pool filled with drunk idiots. That is tantamount to been there done that in my book- I can do that here in my apartment complex! Major disappointment. I always think of the quote:

“Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them.”

Settling is not an option. However I can’t help but wonder if “Soulmate” is a term based upon fiction or fact? Is perhaps the concept contrived by Walt Disney or Nicholas Sparks in order to inculcate in our minds an unreal distorted image of true love and romance in order to sell movie tickets and books? Sometimes it seems like we are being setup to be manipulated by social media and advertising agencies who lift up our expectations so high that it sends our hearts nosediving to the ground. The romantics out there like myself are just putty in their hands eating it all up with a spoon and then being let down when reality doesn’t hold a candle to what we envisioned. I want to believe positively but sometimes cannot help but be somewhat jaded in what we now think love “should” be and what it actually Is. Will these two pictures ever align….. ?

First thought- Best thought

Last night I was talking to one of my close and completely platonic guy-friends Jayme (as in so platonic that in the 7-8 years we have known each other not even a kiss). We always have very in depth conversations about life, our past and current relationships, views on enlightenment, and even go to each other for guy/girl advice. Such a rare gem to gain access to the inner track of the opposite sex! Our conversations easily last 3-4 hours… If not more so. After much deliberation since he is an experienced blogger I decided to let him read my little budding site here. Somewhat intimidating to me since I am bearing a lot of my innermost thoughts and experiences and have yet to post any links publicly. What I have written so far is a tiny drop in an overflowing bucket of stories that are incredible, emotional, powerful, but also about earth shattering times in my life where I thought I was going to die (and even wanted to at one point after my last traumatic experience- NOT that I had suicidal intentions or plans by any means but in the tragic afterwake I felt a tinge of maybe I should have been killed so I wouldn’t have to live with this pain).

That being said you can see my apprehension- some of these posts are extremely personal and I am unsure about the friends I am not that close with and the casual acquaintances I am “friends” with reading this since there can be a Lot of judgement out there (Especially about some of the topics I plan to discuss). Like an onion with many layers some know the innermost core with all the outsides torn and exposed; whereas others know only the top layer that can be easily peeled off.

What I found amusing was our similar yet very different styles of writing. He makes drafts and perfects them and I just start writing and take off like a launched rocket with no planned course. Of course I will go back and make sure I haven’t overused the words but/and/or too often But otherwise my posts truly are the first thoughts which turn out to be my best thoughts. Once I start the process of writing (or clicking in this case) my mind opens up and I emotionally spew the contents all out subsequently. Thankfully there is an edit feature on this site however there is none to be found in life (perchance to dream) and often this has bitten me quite hard since I comfortably open up and flow with no trepidation whereas many do not.

This begs the question: Should I re-learn how to communicate so as to preserve and protect my heart better- Or continue to unabashedly expose myself in complete vulnerability…? We as a society are so guarded…These walls are higher than the Berlin wall and unfortunately there are no sort of protests and parties rallying against it. People burrowed tunnels underneath this wall to escape the oppression sometimes succeeding and breaking through; yet other people’s efforts failed and they remained prisoner to the opposition. My contemplative thoughts now circle around the theme of dismantling the boundaries that are in place nowadays unseen to most. Barriers are put up socially and emotionally everywhere. Discrimination is rampant. Thoughtfulness is replaced with thoughtlessness. Kindness is viewed to be a weakness- otherwise the phrase ” nice guys finish last ” wouldn’t exist.

What will it take for the tides to turn? After every natural disaster, act of terrorism, or local shattering earthquake like a school shooting people come together in love, volunteer and donate, shed tears, and share love…. Why can’t this be the way humanity is all the time….?

If only John Lennon or Dr. Martin Luther King were still alive. The tidal wave of enlightenment they started was immeasurable to our culture and the way they dreamed it to be. Imagining everyone living in peace and harmony sounds like a pipe dream to most. It takes a very strong person to stand up and give their heart and soul to effect change- Why is it that these people end up being assassinated? How very prophetic that Lennon was quoted to say “Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we’re being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I’m liable to be put away as insane for expressing that.” People who are daring enough to express these thoughts of change were silenced since the thought of living with diversity and acceptance is unnerving to those who cling to their beliefs in ignorance. “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Knowledge is power and ignorance is tantamount to incompetence. I say we never stop expanding our awareness by learning not just how the world Is but how it Could be.