The Wonderful World of Autism

I’m always reminded of that amazing short story entitled “Welcome to Holland” every time I ponder the last nearly 8 years of my life that I have been raising an autistic angel.
To summarize it: The plans were thought to be traveling to Italy but your plane landed in Holland, so basically now you have embarked on a completely different experience. With no prior guidebooks, converted money, Rosetta stone cram session of the new language, or different clothes needed for the weather packed ready to go on the new journey and destination.

“But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss…

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.”

Is life the way I always thought it would be? No.
Of course not since having a special needs child is not a usual assumption and sometimes can be rare given the condition, and why it even occurs remains unknown or “to be determined” later in this day and age despite the best technology. One can only assume that what is meant to be will be….

I must say that the new reality of getting to live in an expanded world that my son’s eyes/mind has shown me does indeed bring the most happiness than ever imagined. Yes, and that is how I always knew my life would be. It may not look, sound, or feel the same as the average mom/family, but the strength developed from getting through the bad days makes the good days shine even more brilliantly. I’m thankful for my patient tour guide Lincoln to have helped me navigate through this new world. Grateful also that I am filled with a great sense of wanderlust adoring travel.

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”
~St. Augustine

Kingsley, P. “Welcome to Holland”  (retrieved from http://www.child-autism-parent-cafe.com/welcome-to-holland.html)

Random PTSD musings of tonight

Words just cannot express how amazing it feels to finally feel yourself getting up off the floor when you previously were stuck in such a downward spiral.
Reaching up for help is much more difficult than it sounds, and sadly enough many do not ask. Instead we suffer in silence afraid of even uttering our feelings afraid of judgement.
I unfortunately have to reach a scary low point during these turbulent times in order to finally get myself back on track.
Thankfully I’ve battled my demons so long (and raise an autistic son by myself) to know that even if no one throws me a lifesaver when I fall overboard I will keep swimming until I finally reach the shore. Never give up. Ever. Take a break if needed, and learn to respect yourself for what you can and cannot do.

Sometimes it is just downright ugly having PTSD-

PTSD is PTSD no matter the circumstance that led you there if you were actually battling in a foxhole, raped, attacked, verbally/emotionally abused, and even raising a child with autism (proven studies show it has the same comparative levels of stress to that of soldiers in combat) all face the struggle merely in different forms.

The science and biological reasons completely make sense and I delve deeply in knowledgeable discussions back and forth with medical professionals, But when you feel this ominous weight on your chest creeping in causing insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares, and/or depression that swoop back in then it can make you feel absolutely powerless to stop it.  Despite insight learned from reading self help books since I was first traumatized 13 years ago, psychology articles, and what what I’ve learned in college for psychology  I still battle self love and the plethora of symptoms when “triggered” and the trauma feels like it happened last week.

Anyone who suffers from this invisible illness at least wants a bit of compassion since when we are sick it can go unnoticed, but worse yet judged.
Let’s all upon asking someone “How are you?” actually listen… who knows you might just save a life.

The Disapearing Act-

My title is not referring to an enchantingly pleasant scene found in a frolicsome magician’s act. No.
This is the disappearing act Generation Y has deemed “Ghosting”.
If you are unfamiliar with the term (lucky you!) then read on as Urban Dictionary defines it as:

“The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the “ghostee” will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.”

Classy eh? Not so much.

The “ghoster” thinks that by suddenly dropping out of the other person’s life they shared together (short term or long term) then it will be easier on the “ghostee” since they won’t be facing the reality of having that mature discussion fearing the potential it could be misconstrued and cause further anger or pain to the other party.
In actuality however this is absolutely pure garbage—
Rather it is this person masking the truths they are too afraid to say.
Hide and seek is a fun game we play as children not as adults being in a relationship.

The “supposed effort” of wanting to NOT hurt the other person is null and void. Since their cold actions and lack of words do indeed speak for themselves thereby showing they truly do NOT care, and now makes you wonder if they actually really ever did… ? No “ghosting someone” is done purely out of fear, a lack of common decency, and clearly a lack of having an actual set of balls. Harsh? Maybe.
However in my little life I came to the realization that my brutally honest definition nails it on the head more often than not.

People are merely afraid of that dreaded Awkward conversation so they rationalize their immature behavior. Shrinking back in cowardice sitting and waiting for you to get sick of this seemingly out of the clear blue sky 180 degree spin, and oftentimes it is not by any means precipitated out of “care”-they know all too well that this treatment inevitably makes the other person blow up angrily causing the end to come generally in a very destructive unhealthy way.
Sad to say…. This is the times we live in where chivalry seems not just dead, but dead and buried long ago.

My question is this:
Why tarnish the relationship you once had by not respectfully taking a mere half hour out of your day to grab coffee and have the utter human decency/respect to discuss things cordially in person without icing the other person out with such frigid coldness? 

Inevitably this leads to an obliteration of the relationship which is now blown to smithereens making it an unrecognizable portion of your heart.
The once singing “love” is now deafened from the cold shoulder received.
Basically then the other person who tauntingly had been left dangling this whole entire time callously now faces this brutal realization alone.
Suddenly the pit of your stomach sinks absorbing the eventuality that  their the once patient lover is now gone. Pushed out maybe with no rhyme or reason. Needlessly wanting the closure to help abolish the frays of the relationship that have now whittled down to nothing at the end of this painstaking rope….

Maybe it comes out in an angry and/or emotional drunk text. Maybe upon meeting up after saying those dreaded 4 words no one wants to hear:
“We Need to Talk“. However if the other person doesn’t even give you the chance of discussing what on earth caused this insane flip of a switch any thoughts of closure might as well be thrown into the garbage along with all the momentos, gifts, and memories. It is cruel to say the least.
An excruciating  pain beyond what mere words can express knowing that clearly your love, care, or that initial amazing connection you both clearly had and were so excited about has been blown up into utter annihilation.

I will never Ever understand how it can be so easy for some to just cut the ripcord so to speak. No warning- just that subtle first distance, which in turn leads you spinning into a dance no one ever desires to learn.
With each and every single day that passes it becomes more pronounced, and that hole in your heart continues to grow deeper. Surpassing distance more massive than the Grand Canyon. It ends up leaving a much bigger world of pain than if the other party just had the decency to give the relationship a proper end!

Would it have been difficult? Of course.
Does the person who meant so much to you only months, weeks, or even years ago deserve to know the truth? Yes!
It is simply disrespect at it’s finest and cuts so deeply that the wounds stab straight down to your very core.

Now I am not going to sit here like an angel and claim that I have never done this in my life, but once it hit me what I had done to these poor men (since I was deathly afraid of confrontation) it haunted me later.
I realized turning 30 a year and a half ago that I would not Ever do that again. It is just cruel. Plain and simple. No other words can describe.

*True Story moment* A friend of mine I casually dated many months back wrote me a letter recently (Yes, an actual letter sent snail mail to my mailbox not email) detailing out how much I hurt him, how devastated he was and still is, and especially since I never gave him a clear answer as to why I slowly ditched out. After reading the letter I felt so guilty, terrible, and ashamed that I hurt someone out of my lack of maturity by not just Telling him I felt all along that things weren’t right between us…

I just didn’t look at him that way- I felt a friendship connection not a romantic one… and while I tried communicating that several times he wasn’t getting the hint so I more or less proceeded to “ghost” him.
I would eventually return texts saying how busy I am… blah blah blah, yada yada yada, but really it was that I did not want to see him anymore.
He kept laying it on so thick about wanting us to be more serious than we were, told me he loved me, could see himself being my son’s stepfather who he would love and treat better than my son’s own father-
Yikes! It was TOO MUCH! ESPECIALLY since I did not feel that way about him.
I was NOT even in an actual relationship with him!
I was never his “girlfriend” and made that crystal clear right AWAY, never told him I loved him, and kept any physical contact to a minimum as I realized that I was trying desperately to persuade myself to be into him since he was so sweet… but my heart was just not in it.
I have to be true to my heart above all else. Is that not all we have in this world that is truly our own?
I believe that the best we can do is learn from these experiences-
how we were treated and how we treat others, and try to not perpetuate this cycle anymore in the future.
Be brave enough to love again.
And if you find that love is not what you truly want then grace the person with the dignity you wish that you had received the last time your heart was broken.

Like my favorite quote says “Be the change you wish to see in the world” ~Ghandi

the night’s suffocation

Days can be filled with so many welcome distractions;
However when the night time comes the
Unbearable undeniable pain does too.

There is no place to hide.
Nowhere to run.
Where can you seek safety when you are the one
Torturously chasing yourself?

The world winds down as my mind races filling up and whirring with panic.

Silence is a dreadful sound when all you want to hear is the sound of your own laughter blended together with the one who’s love you just lost.

The pressure creeps back in as unbeknownst to you it was
There all along un-relentlessly growing all day.
It was merely masked waiting like a predator stalks it’s prey.

Seconds later the weight falls down intensely like a category 5 hurricane.
Chest is hit so hard I fear my ribs are being crushed along with my heart.

Breathing instantly becomes a laborious battle that barrels in with the Heaviest artilleries known to man.
How long can one last in a foxhole without any weapons I wonder?

There is no white flag to throw up in surrender, as this fight is within.
Continuing to rage on with no end in sight.

The enemy has now become a familiar face.
A faux friend accompanying the evening with only
Cruel intentions on the agenda.

You have won again dear hated foe.

Sleep is now a foreign concept and deemed only understandable for
The light of heart to grasp.

Reluctantly along the way I started to depend on you.
Being held when the bad dreams came, so now sleep is once again feared.

The middle of the bed is a frigidly cold place to dwell when
Previously it was inhabited with body temperature warmly.

I grew attached to being physically attached, and now you are detached.
I cannot hate you my former lover as much as I would love to.

Time heals all wounds they say unfortunately there is no timeframe.
No countdown to watch with fervor.
Instead the calendar looks long and intimidatingly daunting.

Life goes on they say and it does.
The brokenness considers mending, but alas sadly it is an
Ill-fated waiting game until normalcy returns.

Love is like the lottery- sometimes the stakes are baited high enough for you to play, and you eagerly buy your ticket hopeful.

Only the numbers didn’t win this time.

What you once held with excitement is now crumpled up in the trash.
Buy another ticket? No.
My proverbial bank account has gone bankrupt.

 

Wise words I did not write, but need to learn

Amen!

Nature’s lessons

As I’m tending to my garden today I got the strangest feeling of peace. Awareness they call it. It wasn’t just the joy of having my hands in the dirt though. My overgrown flowers I had left unkempt for a few months needed some serious care and pruning. As I’m cutting off the dark and discolored portions I had to go down even to the base of the root because some of the stems had become rotten to the core.

The beauty of my flowers and greenery that were still blossoming hit me in awe. Here they were still in all their glory- they were just being crowded out by the unhealthy growth and weeds. Cut after cut the natural shape of the bush reappeared and once done even though there was so much missing where the dead growth was the remaining healthy stems seemed to sit taller reaching up towards the sun now instead of being tangled down.

*Epiphany*

How TRUE is this for when we “prune” out unhealthy toxic relationships around us? We are no longer letting ourselves be held down once we make that difficult decision to cut ties. You may truly love that person and enjoy their company, but as Patty Smyth sang “Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough”. It may seem like an insurmountable harrowing job at first, but upon finishing the task an incredible weight can be lifted off your shoulders. Because now there is room for healthy and positive relationships (romantic or friendship) to open up and grow. .

I used to feel guilty to cut off certain people from being in my life, but I now realize that it is simply self-preservation. Giving yourself the same respect, love, and care that you are giving out to others. I had forgotten to nurture my poor flowers however I was able to nurse them back to life, and now I am determined to not ever again forget to do the same for myself!

Stranger

We used to be each other’s everything.
The First call or text of the day.
The Last call or text of the night.

You ran to me for every piece of news in your life
and I read aloud the headlines gleefully with you.

You knew every beat drumming along in my heart
and I knew yours in synch as well.

Now the titles we once had have been pulled away
like a white sheet trying to conceal the decaying remnants
of a relationship deceased.

How did this happen…? Life you say…?
Life is not the cause of our demise rather it is the excuse
used to abandon the once precious relationship.

The value of our stock crashed and has now gone bankrupt.
Canceled and thrown away like all the gifts we got each other
while we still were an integral part of each other’s souls.
One can only take so much pain before it is time to say goodbye.
So this is Goodbye.

You are now just another stranger in the world.

Put that damn oxygen mask on Yourself First!

This is such a seemingly simple concept yet I find it SO incredibly difficult to retain in my mind.

Recently I had a conversation asking the question that if someone was crying for help would you run over answering the cries or run the other direction? I answered without even a 2 second thought given that I would run to help! He said now what if they had a gun- you would put yourself in danger like that…? I said “Well I don’t know I have never truly thought about that before… But how could I live with myself knowing that if something tragic happened that maybe I would’ve been able to prevent it?”

This was a very eye awakening moment for me…

I‘m so used to taking care of everyone around me that I forget to take care of myself all too often. No martyr session or sad violin playing in the background here that is merely just my disposition, however this conversation really made me stop to think deeply. Would I really potentially choose the life over a stranger and leave my son without a mother? Leave my loved ones forever in the effort (which may or may not succeed) trying to save someone else? I’m supposed to be saving myself goodness gracious!!

How often I am reminded of this paraphrased quote:

I often forget that others do not care
the same way that I care

Sad but true. It is a basic form of human nature that we all are hard-wired differently. Sometimes that is a good thing- other times it can hurt very very much. I oftentimes find myself envious of those that are seemingly able to turn their feelings off and on like a switch…
Despite how much it stings to constantly open myself up to getting wounds I would not want to change. Caring too much is better than caring too little in my opinion. However self-preservation needs to become a priority otherwise we will not be strong enough to endure life’s up’s & down’s, and also will not have the strength to pull one another up without depleting ourselves.

That damn oxygen mask…. It’s time to attach it securely now before it is too late! I am learning every day to embrace myself with the same love I give out, and finally learning that taking better care of myself is not selfish rather it is vital!

Cupid is Stupid

Ironic that those two words rhyme isn’t it?

Being a hopeless romantic I am always foolishly imagining in my head when a new relationship starts that “This MUST be why all the past happened to lead me here”! Rose colored glasses much?

Sometimes I admit that I do wish I were having my “happily ever after”... Now do not get me wrong I enjoy my independence more than words can describe after being trapped in an abusive marriage and then finding myself in other unhealthy relationships time and time again.
It’s supposed to in theory lead you to the right one by getting your heart completely annihilated by the wrong ones… BUT

What if there is no fairy tale ending?
What if after Princess Ariel marries Prince Eric she shortly realizes he is a narcissistic control freak? Movies that my generation grew up on such as the plethora of Disney movies, classic musicals, and old/new romantic comedies always seem to have that central theme of finding your “One true love”.

I find it odd that they never do seem to make a sequel following up after that “true love’s kiss”….

Alas cynicism can raise its ugly head…

However come what may I will still forever be a hopeless romantic despite my heart enduring been torn out of my chest and crushed many a time before. It grew back. Stronger than I ever thought possible too.
Whether “Prince Charming” is in my life is not what I choose to focus on. Happiness is an inside job after all!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”
– Oscar Wilde

Love simplified

Sitting outside earlier I saw a butterfly land on a flower right in front of me and pondered in my head a seemingly simple slightly odd question-
“Why do I love butterflies so much?”….
Instantly my thoughts were clear as day. It’s not just my love of finding beauty in nature and the fact that I see pictures wherever I look, but rather it is the freedom they personify.
They flitter and float with no care in the world. Only stopping momentarily to “smell the roses” before they take flight once more to an unknown destination. Wouldn’t that be blissfully wonderful to experience?

I do believe that deep down we all desire that feeling of “freeness” and always crave a small piece of it. Some know how to find it (thereby finding themselves) and are unabashed to society in showcasing it. Others keep it tucked away shyly only opening up occasionally for the world to see.
I want to continue to keep spreading my wings and soaring into the wind unafraid of anything behind or in front of me. Only enjoying what is presently before me to take in and fully experience.

Like that fleeting butterfly though who only stays but a moment I’m petrified to think I could lose this enlightened way I feel now. If life were to slap me figuratively or literally again would I dip downwards back into darkness? That passing thought thankfully does not stay long as I know that I have survived near death experiences and managed to thrive afterwards!

I find it funny how an almost child-like simplistic moment can evoke so much emotion.
Our eyes must be open to catch these awakening moments that can happen in a split second

Love can be reflected in everything we do, see, and experience if we only let it….

 

The One that got Away…

That’s not just the title of a Katy Perry song. For a select few that ended up with their first loves those words don’t hit home, but for the vast majority of us it is part of our reality. Chapter 1 in the story of our love life, and then those pages are forever burned.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed together with my first love- a sweet boy from my home in upstate New York who was my first kiss even @18 years old. I would have stayed living there, gotten to experience the seasons regularly, never have gotten into any of the excruciating traumas I have this in past decade….

I always pose the question “would the sweet taste nearly as sweet if we didn’t have the bitter to compare it to?”

My random pondering seems to get different answers when asked every time. Some people view inexperience with the “real world” as a blessing- after all the popular expression is that “ignorance is bliss” wouldn’t exist! However I feel that we do need those heartbreaking and heart-swelling experiences to truly grow. That is how we learn our weaknesses and strengths without any inexplicable doubt.

Anytime I start to feel any pang of regret from my choices in life I quickly remind myself that if things hadn’t panned out the way they did I wouldn’t have my son Lincoln. Then all the Love and Light he has given me I would never get to see….

There’s a reason the past is in the past- It’s because you were meant for more~