I never wanted my son to live in a broken household, but I realized that it was long broken and shattered way before I had ever left and then ultimately became divorced. It got to the point finally where I had gotten so used to the abuse and taught myself to cry silently so as to avoid being laughed at. He stood over me as my body would shake as hyperventilation kicked in making me curl me up into a fetal position cradling myself in a ball on the bathroom tile.
Eventually he would come in pulling me to my feet but I would still be trembling from holding back more tears, and the shocks the panic attack sent shooting throughout my entire body (which after his laughing hug and condescending pat on the head he would become turned on disgustingly enough).
PTSD is an arduous journey as something seemingly small can trigger a debilitating trauma that causes your entire being to feel like it’s happening again vividly right now, or perhaps only a day or week ago.
The wounds are never cauterized so frequently they can be reopened and feel so fresh like no time ever passed.
It seems to make you feel forever dinged because at the snap of a finger no matter how great you are doing a complete mental and physical shut down can happen with just the blink of an eye.
It is NOT permanent though… I remind myself of this daily.
It just takes insight and constant work so that every time it happens you can acknowledge it and pick yourself up before the downward spiral sends you so far under that keeping your head afloat becomes an excruciatingly difficult task. The best description is the feeling of suffocation… like you are drowning only there is no life-vest or rescue boat in sight. I refuse to let my head go under the water.
No.
Learning to heal and not let this darkness overtake you is one of the hardest things to manage. Living in survival mode constantly it’s almost unfathomable to relax as in the back of your mind you are waiting for the other shoe to drop since you never knew where/when your next trigger could be lurking around the corner.
From what I have seen many do not want to speak out about it either, so very much remains hidden not just from the public but even from those closest to you like friends and family. If you do confide in them and they make the effort to understand the hell you are going though then trust me my dear friends that despite every setback you are incredibly lucky.
Until I truly heal I will continue wishing upon every shooting star with all my heart to not fall down again. They say even the best fall apart sometimes… And I’ve learned that is nothing to be ashamed of!
This is a battle where you win some and you lose some, But you Never Ever give up until the War is won!
Victors Not Victims!
ariellemegan 