I don’t Need anyone But that doesn’t mean I don’t Want anyone

I try to not ever let my sweet son see me cry…
Currently he is pressed up against me laying across my chest and I’m crying the sort of tears that roll down your face but remain silent. Only the sound of my chest heaving and gasping for small breaths are heard (I mastered this in my previous marriage learning how to cry this way unseen so that I wouldn’t be laughed at, openly mocked, and of course so that my little man wouldn’t see me break down). Today though my back has broken. I awaited his gastrointestinal surgeries with no sleep, no hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on, and only support via Facebook friends after posting a status.

Being back at All Children’s Hospital yet again as I previously have gone for less invasive procedures by myself, but now surgery having him undergo actual anesthesia has shattered me to my very core. It flashed me back to being in this same surgical ward when my nephew was young and had to have a couple surgery’s for a hernia problem. My sister, her husband, his mom, my parents, and I were all there waiting together for this journey. Holding the pager waiting on pins and needles eagerly for the clearance to dash in to recovery with baited breath to see him and make sure our sweet angel was okay. We all sat together biting our nails covered in dread-filled love worrying that something could go wrong. It didn’t thankfully he was just fine. Is that not how it is supposed to be though- family coming together in a time of crisis?
Nope. Not for me. I sat alone in the recovery area before he was brought out and then waited the whole time he was asleep stroking his forehead talking with the post-op nurse.

When I say I had no one I truly had no one. This surgery had been in process for months of being scheduled then rescheduled as to conflicts because I wanted my family, ex-husband, and even his family there too for moral support. I had to cancel last months since it fell on that “2 year mark” of a previously blogged about atrocious traumatic incident that happened to me. Thankfully I was granted a couple days of freedom to embark on a semi grieving stage, so I wasn’t sure if I could even leave him after his recovery; however inquiring if he could be taken care of afterwards without me the answer was a clear resounding NO. I got the green light for the appointment time yesterday and didn’t even bother to message my family again. Every other previous time was filled with excuses and honestly I didn’t feel like being degraded any further begging for a little help. Why should it come to that? Should it not inherently be an unquestioned resounding YES when it comes to a matter of such severity? It’s not just this surgery today- it is all the accumulated weight I have carried these past 5+ years after getting him diagnosed on the autism spectrum having to handle every single thing in that gigantic can of worms on my own. I won’t get into any “woe is me” martyring session here. I have just decided that I don’t think I will ever ask for help again. Not from my family, my ex, his family, or even from my friends. Yes of course we all have busy lives- but when someone I care about is in need of help I literally drop everything to be there if/whenever possible. Apparently expecting others to be there for you through thick and thin when you have been there for them is about as pointless as debating whether the world is flat.

My heart has fallen and shattered into a million pieces and I fear that just like Humpty Dumpty “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” cannot put me back together again.