Yesterday would have been my 8th wedding anniversary….
In the past I have dreaded this day and would feel ill just thinking about it’s upcoming presence. As much as I have distanced myself emotionally unfortunately those demons of past pain would come back to haunt me annually. I would think about how I knew that day I didn’t want to marry him, but I still put on a fake smile and played the part of the glowing bride. I remember distinctly how people thought I was crying during my vows but actually I was shaking saying the words that I knew were not true in my heart.
It was a beautiful day filled with the brightest blue sky and an invigorating slight chill to the air with the upcoming season change. I had fallen in love with the Ringling museum grounds when I was a preteen so I always knew if I were to be married in Florida that it would be there. After the ceremony having pictures taken of me on the supposedly happiest day of my life was definitely a memory I’ll never forget. Standing in front of the Ca’ d’Zan doing family photos my father in law hugged me and said “Well you just made the most important decision for the rest of your life”- I wanted to puke. The reality set in. The rest of my life?! Oh God what had I done….
Being a photographer I had taken the cherished photos and of course created a scrapbook to commemorate that day. Packing that in a box when I left him was a formidable torturous task to say the least. I have only looked at it twice since then (I decided to keep it so that one day our son can look at it and know that Mommy and Daddy did love each other at one time) but every time I would a wave of deep crushing sadness hit me. Why did this all have to happen?
Oh right because he hit me. Several times. The first time when I was pregnant. However his only confession is to punching me once on my leg and claiming it didn’t count since he didn’t hit my face…
Originally I felt I had no choice other than to marry him and I now had no other choice than to divorce him. I lived in-between a rock and a hard place far too long. So yes instead of it being 8 years married it’ll be 3 years divorced for me (Does Hallmark make a card for that anniversary yet?)- Mazel Tov!!
Thankfully I turned yesterday into an amazing day where I selected my new college to transfer into and was so excited I barely thought about the ex anniversary. Going to college is HUGE for me as every single A+ I get dispels a little more of the phrase that he loved to use about how “useless and stupid“ I am with my “4th grade education” ( I graduated via home-school @15).
I realize of course that I allowed and gave him the ability to make that false statement true to me. I agreed with him and thus these feelings that I was not and never would be good enough became part of my psyche.
Retrospect is such a priceless tool. You have to go through pain in order to find it but once found it is an incomparable, invaluable, and treasured source of strength. I cannot wait for the day after I earn my degrees that I can work with abused women and show them that they too can dig deep into their souls and reclaim everything that was taken. Sharing my story helps me heal a little bit more every time and helps me retain self-respect, self-love, self-worth, dignity, and confidence. Anything else on this earth is not as valuable!
ariellemegan 