This is my life. I chose it. I thought I wanted it. Then my dreams and hopes were blown to smithereens.
The exact week to the day before my wedding I found out that I was about to miscarry. The traditional ultrasound that is performed on the lower abdomen came back with no heartbeat… “Normal” they said since apparently I had a tilted uterus. “Don’t worry.” they said. They walked us to the big examining room for an internal ultrasound. This room had a gigantic flat screen television on the wall for happy glowing parents to see their child for the first time; however mine showed the placenta, umbilical cord, and the odd mangled area that the doctor ever so callously referred to as where “your normally developing baby would be.”
They patted me on the shoulder and said “1 in every 3 pregnancies ends up to be a miscarriage” and walked out the door leaving the image of the baby I thought was still living inside of me (but indeed was dead crushing my soul with each passing second) enlarged on the giant wall mounted flat screen…. How Very considerate of them! (sarcasm duly noted I assume you gather)
My soon to be husband was there and gave me a consolatory hug saying “It just wasn’t the right time”. WOW how very comforting and caring. A pat on the shoulder and a condescending “pep talk”. That was NOT what was needed. A genuine hug with maybe even just the hint of a tear being shed- that is what was needed in such a time of disbelief and immediate despair. I still remember walking out of the office seeing pregnant glowing women and newborn babies just after having made the appointment to have my pregnancy removed. It saddened me to my very core.
So yes that appointment he was there and helped me schedule the surgery since I could barely talk. However that night I was in the most excruciating pain alone as I was starting to deliver this unviable fetus no longer my baby girl or boy.
I stayed up all night shaking and crying by myself as I went into pre-term labor basically without even any pain medicine (thanks Dr. who leaves the image of my lost baby on a big screen television and also doesn’t bother to give me medicine before the 12+ hours or so until surgery).
Agonizing hours of pain throughout the night until the morning I went to the hospital finally and my Mom is the one who was there. Holding my hand. Kissing my forehead. She consoled me when the nurses came to me and said “Why are you crying?”. I cannot even speak. “So we are having an abortion here?” another asks. “NO! I had a miscarriage!!?” I said.
How incredibly insensitive to refer to the pregnancy I treasured so much yesterday to be one I was choosing to not have today. I will never forget that immense loss like something was physically removed from my heart not just my uterus that day. The tears that ran down my face drenching the front of my hospital gown, and how my best friend (my Mom) was there to squeeze my hand. Where was my fiance’ and just the day before my baby’s father… ? Hmmmmm. Very good question…
Coming to after surgery my mom was right by my side. A sweet nurse had been filled in on my situation and was trying desperately to cheer me up mentioning about Paris and how awesome it was that I chose to buy a cheap wedding dress so I could pay for my dream honeymoon.
The following day however is when I saw the first true colors shine through of my soon to be husband. He had been building his house for months before we started dating; however within several months he got me pregnant so throughout the building process of “Our” house I helped in every way possible. I finished the cabinets, some painting, and of course lots of cleanup. After all it was supposed to be “Our home”.
He took me to see it mostly all finished the day after my surgery. Walking was difficult from the surgery plus I was in the most emotional state possible after having undergone the most tragic loss I could have ever imagined in my life. I was 3 months pregnant so I had connected in an unimaginably overpowering way- it was not a fleeting couple of weeks.
Walking into the house I “Ooohed” and “Aaaahed” over the last touches of the granite counter-tops and faux finish walls that were done. Then I said “Oh I don’t like that”- It was a table circa 1970 that his mom loaned him and completely contrasted the modern schematics….. Well…… Screaming in my face ensued for the first time ever….. “What a selfish spoiled B***h you are!!!” and etc to the like. Thankfully I don’t remember all the hateful words that were said but the scary mean evil look in his protruding rage filled eyes that were 2 inches away from my face will forever be ingrained in my mind. Eventually he stomped off into the shower and I sat on our couch sobbing hysterically. I didn’t want a life where I obviously would be treated like this on a daily basis, and over a simple stupid observation that this table didn’t fit the decor…?
I knew in that very second I didn’t want to marry him. I couldn’t be with someone who so easily could flip a switch to be volatile and intimidatingly abusive. Especially take into consideration the fact that I was hobbling around from a surgery removing our failed pregnancy. If there was ever a time to be extra loving and kind this was it and I received the Exact opposite. It was exactly 1 week to the day before our wedding.
I should have ran. However I was too petrified from my upbringing that since I had premarital sex I had to marry him! I had lost my virginity to him so in my mind I had no other choice. I would have been excommunicated from the church that basically was my entire life and all I had known for 22 years. The old adage about being between a rock and a hard place doesn’t even begin to describe it.
I was a deer in a headlight too afraid to move from the speeding car that would kill me a little bit every day for the next 5 years of my married life. I wish so much that I had the gumption to free myself from the clear warning signs showing me that my life would not ever be what I had always imagined “Happily Ever After” to be….
To finish this tiny first piece of this long story trust me You should never Ever be too afraid to follow your gut. Your heart can set yourself up to be intensely betrayed when eventually you do truly see a persons true colors. Red flags should never be ignored. Intuition is a very powerful tool that should Not be ignored under any circumstance. I wrote out just this small example to show that I survived, thrived, and have thankfully grown so much stronger.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~Robert Frost
What was supposed to be the “Happiest day of my life”…
ariellemegan 