Today I got to thinking about the nature of expectations. We try to send out as much love, respect, care, peace, and honesty into the world- However more often than not disappointment sets in and it stings like salt to an open wound. Perhaps our bar was simply raised too high in our minds and hearts. Perhaps we were told things that filled our heads with dreams of the future only to find out later they were a fallacy. A person’s intention is not always to receive and then in return give back all we have given out. This is something I have endeavored to learn but have not mastered.
* A moment of TMI *
I married my first sexual partner at 22 years of age, so when I left him I experienced what most people get out of their systems in college- “playing the field” so to speak ( I was 27 years old at this time). Since I had only been with one man I never had known how badly it can wound you when the most intimate part of yourself is shared with someone only to later find out their intentions were only to “get some”.
I came to the conclusion after a severely bad breakup recently when I had finally felt that I found a real, honest, caring man. So I fell for him instantly. I was NEVER going to be just another notch on some jerks bedpost. No! I realized that I was worth much more and respected myself much more than that! So after things fell apart I took a very long hiatus of celibacy ( no need to disclose how long But mannnnyyyy months ). While I felt the pain of loneliness since I wasn’t feeling the pleasure of physical contact I became even stronger in my resolve to truly love myself again. Thankfully in these months I have flourished with my goals for my son and his therapies, for me resuming college, and my health. The Mind/Body Connection is no joke. I had been ignoring myself and my passions in order to spend time with my previous love ( realizing now there were many things we didn’t have in common that could have become a real problem if either party was not willing to take an interest in each others interests ) and neglected myself I realize now in retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
Seeking out love never seems to work. It is just supposed to happen when you least expect it so they say. Yet I had focused so much mental capacity in trying to find someone to potentially have a future with. I reopened my online dating site after my Heart-annihilating breakup ( Yes I make up my own vocabulary sometimes ) and proceeded to connect with a few men; however I didn’t feel the spark. Now don’t get me wrong ( especially if they read this post ) I wanted So badly to make that spark truly happen… They were sweet, we clicked, and I had so many good times. However the feelings I had for them I realized were only a friendship connection not a romantic one. I tried so hard to make myself feel that way but unfortunately you cannot choose who you fall in love with. Someone can be absolutely perfect on paper, outwardly, and inwardly- but that doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. Those utterly amazing butterflies in your stomach are needed. In this past month I have done quite a lot of reflection and truly feel awful for leading these men on since they were such good people. I was too scared to tell them I had realized what I felt, and that what I wanted was only a relationship as friends.
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*Back on topic*
My expectations were always high…. I crave romance- not just lust or lukewarm love. I want fireworks. Sparks that fly. I want to bond over similar interests, try a plethora of new things together, see the world, and take a million joyous photographs together.
I have coined an epiphany phrase: Communication, Compromise, and Chemistry -The Trifecta of a lasting partnership. I’ve never truly felt all three in any previous relationship. Those darn endorphin/serotonin rushes blocked the red flags since I fall head over feet so quickly. I don’t exactly believe in love at first sight, but I believe in intuition at first sight when you have a date whether it is the first, second, or third that you can indeed start falling in love. I know at the two week mark. To my detriment however since people can conceal their true self ( I did divorce someone who flipped an abusive switch the moment we got back from our honeymoon ) and once I fall in love I am in love. Unshakable, Insatiable, Overpowering love. I swallow a lump *Welp* and say to myself “Uh-oh what have you done setting yourself up to be crushed?! “- since once I have fallen I cannot get back up from my emotional, caring, and loyal nature.
Self-preservation has got to be prevalent and foremost in order to protect ones mind and heart. You Have to take care of You and then the people you love. Especially when it comes to that one special person you have become so vulnerable with bearing your soul to. Being guarded is not what I am proposing but being Aware is. This is the only true way you can properly take care of yourself and be able to take care of others fully without comprising your well-being.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first~
ariellemegan 